im happy.. and bottomline.. its all that matters right?..:)

They say that dreams are our deepest desires. That our dreams are the desires of our unconsciousness or maybe, just maybe they warn us of what is bound to happen?..

Dec. 4 & 5..

knowing he has a new girl.. I admitted to a couple of my friends dat im scared dat dey will work out.. i dont know why.. im not bitter or anything.. but i was scared dat if they worked out wat we had would just be nothing to him..:(

Dec. 7.. Dream 1

dec 6, night fall, i had a dream. We were in a comp lab and i was with my friends.. Theo by my side using the pc.. I was browsing the net and poof.. he came to me sat by my side and talked to me. so while he was talking i just ignored him. he said.."Sa tingin mo ba porket my new girl na ako.. wala na akong pakialam.. Sa tingin mo ba, kapag my girlfriend na ako, i wouldnt care anymore.." and when i was about to cry in my dream i woke up.. saaaaaaaaaaaaaaddd..:(

I was soooo spooked about my dream.. its been so long that i have dreamt of him.. and the most weird part about my dream was, i guess it was what wanted for him to tell me, that eventhough he now has a new girl, what we had was still special and he appreciated all of it..

Dec. 8.. Dream 2.

Again, I dreamt of him.. this time, i was online and then he buzzed me and pmed me pssst.. i just said why? then he said.. "wala lang..:)" then i woke up.. errr!! super i didnt know why i was dreaming this kind of things.. until then, that morning during my chem class.. he texted me.. He said he wanted to talk.. That he has a lot of things to tell me.. I was actually had no plans of replying but my friend ,Marie insisted that i should reply. So there we agreed that he'd pick me up 6pm and then he would give me a ride home.. so there.. I asked Marie what she thinks he will tell me.. She said maybe, he just wants clearance too before he pushes through with the new girl.. That maybe he also wanted what i wanted. clearance between us. So, i was preparing myself for what he would say.. That he just wanted closure and clearance.. I found myself wanting that to happen, but a part of me still hoped that he'll want me back. but i was telling myself that would not happen.

That night, i tried to be strong and wanted to put to my face that he now has a new girl and he just really wanted to talk to me about closure. but then when i saw his profile.. his stat was "AKO NA SI PIGGY DATI, AT GUSTO KONG MAGING SI PIGGY ULET." with that, i didnt know what to feel. i didnt know what emotion i should feel. a part of me said it was too late, but another part was thanking God for making him realize that. so, that night, i super duper didnt know what to do. and what to feel.

Dec. 8,

This was the day i would have to face him.. When before our histciv class, tiff talked to me.. She said that they talked and stuff.. After persef class, he picked me up at southgate.. So, i was waiting for him to talk to me.. but nothing, just pep talks.. when we were in evacom almost near my house, he said that he read my blog.. i was soo shocked that he read it, because one, he doesnt know that i have one. 2nd, my feelings are all here.. so i didnt know how he knew about it, but he said he just accidentally found it google. He said he read my Dec. 3 blog, but i forgot na about what i said back then. so he said that i should read it again and that i text hm after i do so.

I read it again.. and there was a comment, saying that maybe he's not happy with the girl and stuff.. the he txted me.. saying that he was so shy to talk to me because now he knows how much pain he had cost me.. we talked that nigh from texts to facebook inbox messages. I was so relieved that now he knows what i felt.. and i told him all my concerns in taking this chance again.. but i think he was decided that this time IT WILL BE DIFFERENT.

Then the rest will be history..:)

Dec. 21,

We have been spending a couple time together and it seems like its never enough.. because its like he wants to make up for all the times we lost.. i can say that this time IT IS DIFFERENT.. HE IS DIFFERENT. at first i wasn't so sure that it was what i wanted.. that i was happy again.. but then, i found my way back to him.. eventually, i found myself smiling the way i used too.. I guess, i was just really scared that it will be just the same as before, that he'll leave me again.. but this time, i really felt he wanted it.. i felt that not only that he wanted it, but he wanted me back in his life.. Everything happened so fast.. but every little thing that happened in that small span of time was something that not only made me happy.. but it made us happy.. He started to do all those little things again.. and with that he made me feel that he wanted it too as much as i do..

One more thing, i know a lot of people are confused and worried and feels that im wrong to give him another chance, after everything he did to me. But for me, its still my decision to make.. and i dont want to regret something just because i felt that my friends are right or something. I know in making this decision, if everything fails again, im the only one to blame.. but what if it works out.. who am i to say it wont?.. who are they to say it wont?. all i know is that. as of right now, im happy here.. and whatever they say..

im happy.. and bottomline.. its all that matters right?..:)

-A

Heart...♥♥♥

I confess. I'm still hurting especially now that i have confirmed that yes, he now has a new girl that makes him happy. I'm not hurting because it wasn't me or because we didn't work out. I'm hurting because he didn't give me the closure i deserve. He left me hanging and then boom "hello, i'm happy now. i have a new girl. i don't need you anymore." its like that. it would have been much better, way better if he told me that in person! but no he didn't. i guess i haven't forgiven him yet for this. i know i still care because just the fact that im hurting shows that i still care. i'm not pushing myself into his life, im just saying that he could have given me the closure i deserve, not like this.

My ipod was in shuffle and i heard this song from nowhere. It's called Heart by britney spears. I actually liked every part of the song..:) I'm sorry heart if we've gone through so much.. but we need to be strong. in time, we will find that feeling of loving someone again and most specially be loved back in return.:)

Heart, I know I've been hard on you

I'm sorry for the things I've put you through

Before you start to break on me or ask for sympathy

I need to make you see

O, heart, I'm not sure it's been long enough

To say that what I feel is really love

There's just one way to learn, sometimes we'll get hurt

And right now it's our turn

Give it time, help me through

Heart, we can do this together

You're my strength, you're my soul

I need you now more than ever

Heart, all the hurt will soon be gone

If you'll, if you'll just keep on being strong

You will always be my friend, so keep on hangin' in

And we'll find love again

Give it time (Give it time),

help me through (Help me)

Heart, we can do this together

You're my strength (You're my strength), you're my

soul

I need you now more than ever

Heart, I know I've been hard on you

I'm sorry for the things I've put you through

Please don't you break on me, I need to make you see

It wasn't meant to be

Cause you will always be my friend, so keep on

hangin' in

And we'll find love again

-A

Pain & Pleasure

Enough is enough. There will come a time when the heart stops hoping that there will be something to look forward too; when the heart gives up on the one thing it wouldn't want to lose.

I admit i have been so stupid to trust him again.. Nov 12.. He txted me.. if i wanted to watch new moon.. i didnt reply.. he txted me again.. d ko daw ba sya kakausapin.. i didnt reply.. he called.. i didnt answer. i went online.. and in my inbox i have a new message.. and this was what it said..

"please here me out.

abby, i want to change. clear na sa utak ko na hindi ko kaya na wala ka. :( usap tayo please? gusto ko sana lumabas tayo pero u didnt reply. :( if kelanagan kita ligawan ulit to prove na im worthy for your love gagawin ko ulet :("

and then he texted me again.. kausapin ko namn daw daw xa.. i didnt reply to any of these.. because i wanted to know on how serious he was about this..:| and just beause ive heard it all before.. all those im gonna fix this shit and all.. i was planning to text him the next day if he decides to contact me again.. but then nothing.. Nov. 14, he texted me again.. so i replied and we talked.. and he said to me the Nth time that he's willing to fix everything.. and so i told him.. please do this because you want to be with me.. because you're ready to face problems with me again.. and that you wont leave me hanging again.. He replied.. he said.."ALAM KO KYA KO NGA GUSTO IWORK OUT RELATIONSHIP NATN." so i said.. "okay, PROVE to me that yo deserve this chance.." and after that nothing. around 9:30 that night he txted.. he ran out of credits daw tapos.. wala daw mom niya kya d sya makashare.! so sabi ko lang. okay tahnk you for telling me.. goodnyt.. the next day.. nothing.. it was the pacquiao game day.. i know he would be watching.. so he did.. after the game.. he txted me.. wala pa rin daw siyang load and free txt lang gmt niya and he's home from watching the game.. sbi ko lang okay.. after that I HAVEN'T HEARD FROM HIM SINCE...

ITs been almost 8 days and still nothing.. ym's? inbox messages? fb posts?.. nothing.. as if nothing happened.. and lately.. he has been posting these cheezy status in FB about being in love and all..

And I have assumed that he has a new girl now.. err.. i dont regret giving him another chance.. i dont regret any of it.. i just hate the fact that he CAN'T BE MAN ENOUGH TO FACE ME and tell me to my face that he will stop or he is starting to fall for another.. at least i wont be hoping na he'll fix it.. i at least deserve that explanation right?

I have loved him so much that giving him every chance i could was something that kept me hold on tighter to him. but how many chances do we get before we finally make it right?.. lesson learned here.. every chance.. every opportunity.. we should take it seriously.. because every time we fail or we take it for granted.. something is lost.. TIME.. and time.. we cant go back to it.. we cant save it.. what is now, will be gone in a while..

Today, im giving up every bit of chance.. im closing my windows and doors for him... the pain has become to much to bear.. that i dont know if i still love him.. but one thing im sure of.. i dont need him in my life anymore.. that's reality.. a fact now..

and one question.. when you guys hurt us.. do you know the depth of pain that you have inflicted upon us?.. yes you know you've hurt us.. but do you know how much it hurts?.. do you know how much we would go through for what we want..? do you know how much pain we would endure to have that feeling of happiness?.. how much we would go for or hope for that little bit of happiness?.. i am so amazed on how a girl can give up everything to make things work.. when some guys take them for granted.. ignore it.. and dont even think of what we feel.. wait.. to be clear im saying SOME guys..

In every girl's heart is that pureness of love and hope for happiness that someday she will get.. in time.. she will be the girl who will get that boy and that love she deserves.. and that girl would be ME..

-A

HOTHOTHOT!!!

JACOB BLACK YOU ARE SO HOT!!

BE MINE!! :b~

-A

because i know i deserrve to be happy..

I've been going through a tough month lately..its because we tried and failed anf tried and failed to make things work.. and this past few week i've finally decided to really let it go.. because i know that no matter how much i love him.. no matter how much i want to be with him.. I deserve someone better.. someone who will treat me the way i shud be treated..i dont know where to start.. because its too painfull.. so ill just copy paste wat we talked about... Last weekend he asked for another chance.. because he tolm me na "pinagsisisihan na da niya lahat ng nagawa niya sken".. i guess for making me cry and all.. na super inaamin niya na nagkamali daw sya ng todotodo.. exact words.. so, because i love him..i said that this will be the last chance.. but again,, he blew it off.. he slacked off.. and until it came to the point na for one whole day he didnt txt me.. not even once. the next day, i saw an offline message from him, saying his phone was missing somewhere.. i didnt reply.. because i was so pissed off.. he didnt even try to let me know that his phone was lost that very same nyt he lost it.. when i didn't reply. i think he got pissed too.. so he left me a message in my inbox in facebook.. so here goes the conversation went from a day sentto day basis.. like.. i replied today.. he'll reply tomorow.. parang ganun.. The first message he sent was written on Oct. 31,sat.. read it around 10am.. so my last message was written on Nov 4, and after that he didnt even reply.. and i havent heard from him since then..

X: bat ganun nag sasabi naman ako sayo na wala akong phone ngayun. tapos di ka man lng nag reply sakin. hindi ko alam kung natangap mo yung message ko. tapos ngayun yung iba nakikipag kwentuhan ka pa d2 sa facebook. yung sakin kahit "OKAY" man lng na reply wala ka. ayus.

Abby: empol.. alamo hindi kita maintindihan.. gaya ng snbi ko sayo sa text ko.. na hindi ka nmn nagreply.. it took you a whole day to tell me na nawalan ka ng phone.. nung umaga mo nlng sinbi.. alamo bang the whole day before i was waiting every minute na sana sana sana man lang magtxt ka. kht isang beses lang.. na "oy, nasa bahay na ako, nawala ung phone ko. d muna kita mttxt." o kya nung umaga na.. "oy papasok na ako, mageenrol na ako".. alamo ung ganun. super okay na un sken. hinintay mo pa na mag umaga at mag ol ka bgo mo sbhin sken.. and you didnt even say sorry.. sorry in a sense na hindi ka nagparamadam. hindi mo ba naiisip na naghihintay ako?.. na ung tumatakbo sa isip ko nung mga panahon na un.. "bkt kya hindi na xa nagttxt.. siguro kxe wala na tlga xang pakialam or d nya na ako tlga naalala." yun yung nasa isip ko.. super naiinis ako.. kxe ung man lang iparamdam mo skn na u care about me. hindi mo magawa. do you even know wats happening to my life? do you even know kung asan ako ngaun? wala kang alam dba?! kxe u dont even care to ask. kxe u just dont care anymore!!!!! i tried to reach out to you.. coz u said i was so unfair na pinipigalan ko ung feelings ko.. i tried.. and wat happened to you.. you slacked off.

X: sorry kung ganyan nararamdaman mo. hindi naman sa nawawalan ako ng gana or kung feeling mo na i dont care na sayo. pero hindi naman totoo yun e. kaya naman ako di nakapag sorry sayo agad kasi nauna yung feeling ko na parang nag seselos ako. kasi sa mga friends mo nag rereply ka. eh sakin hindi :( sobrang sorry kasi ganun ako sayo. pero sana maintindihan mo din ako. alam kong maling mali ako. im so sorry baby :( PLEASE DONT GIVE UP ON US. kasi ako hindi ako nag gigive up. ayokong mawala ka. :( sana habang binabasa mo to mapatawad mo ko. kasi ayoko talagang dumating sa point na bibitiw ka na sakin. pero sa tingin ko dahil sa mga ginagawa ko dadating din tayu sa point na yun e. pero sana wag mangyare yun. alam ko maling mali ako, ill try to change, rather ILL CHANGE, para maging masaya ulit tayong dalawa. :(

Abby: ilang beses na ba yang ill try to change na yan!! empol alamo ba.. gustong gusto kong magalit sayo!! im super mad at you!! but i just cant. kxe alam ko na deep inside of me.. i still want us to work.. pero ilan pang chances ang kelangan mo, na in d end i have to give up on you bgo mo ayusin tlga.. ako pagod na pagod na akong umasa na u will change.. alam ko nmn, and tangap ko na hindi nmn ganun kadali ibalik ung dati.. dats why inaayos ko rin ung sarili ko for us.. pero wat happned. you slacked off agen.. you had 3 months of chances to fix us empol.. 3 months.. hangang kelan mo ittry!! HOW MANY MORE LAST CHANCES WILL I GIVE YOU BAGO MO TLGA AYUSIN!!!! i told you last chance na toh.. but wat did you do. i tot for a change na tlgang aayusin mo na.. pero wat happnd.. feel ko kxe ur too assured na i will always be here for you ea.. na iniisip mo na maiintindhan nmn kita ea.. pero pagod na ako..

magseselos ka sa friends ko?? pano pa akoo??.. sa tingin mo hindi ako nagseselos sa friends mo??.. na kht snsbi mo sken na ur going to fix us.. you still have loads of time to spend with them.. and skn u dont even try to seee me.

mahal pa rin kita.. and alam ko na gusto ko paring maayos toh.. pero pagod na akong ipakita un.. pagod na akong umasa sa wala.. pagod na akong umasa na ur going to fix it. pagod na pagod na ako empol..

*by the way nakita kita sa town kanina. we almost crossed paths pero i think hindi mo ako nakita.

X: im sorry kung napapagod ka na. ako rin naman pagod na ako sa ganito. kahit ako hindi ko alam kung bkt everytime na gusto ko ayusin problems naten hindi ko magawa. i want to give my best para ipakita sayo na mahal kita. :( pero minsan hindi ko alam ang dahilan kung baket ako nag kakaganito.

sa tingin ko ako naman ngayon ang kelangan ng time and space. hindi ko sinasabi na antayin mo ko. hindi ko sinasabi na isarado mo ung door mo sa ibang tao. kung umayos na lahat sa utak ko kung ano gusto ko talaga sasabihin ko sayo. pero now siguro kelangan ko talaga ng time. hindi ko alam kung aantayin mo ako. hindi ko alam kung kelan ako magiging ready na ulet. pero sana maintindihan mo :(

I LOVE YOU pero hindi ko maipakita or maparamdam sayo :(

Abby: i think ur right. we both need it. time and space.. hindi ko na alam kung anong gusto ko. kxe super nangingiibabaw ung pain.:( i want to say that im gonna weyt, na ill be here.. pero i dont want you to be assured kxe alam ko if ur not gonna be afraid to lose me, wala ding mangyayari.. kxe assured ka na andito ako ea..

empol,, let me go na.. and im letting you go na rin.. for real..:( its hard but i guesss its the best thing that we shud do.. i tried to make things work.. but i guess it wasnt enough.. because i needed you there with me..

nga pla, ive decided.. lets stop talking to each other nlng muna.. until you find wat really is that you want.. bitter na ako kung bitter, its just really painful..:( im sorry. i have to let you go..

X: hindi ko ma gets gusto mo e. inaayus ko pa yung utak ko. tapos u said d mo alam kung mag aantay ka pa or hindi na. tapos sa dulo sasabihin mo u'll let go of me na.

HA? di ko ma gets. ano ba talaga. kahit ba humingi ako sayo ng time and space wala din effect yun kasi ull let go of me na ? ganun ba yun ? di ko gets e.

Abby: all im saying is dat.. let go mo na ako ngaun.. kxe i cant spend my life waiting for the time na ako ung piliin mo.. pano kung hindi un ung mangyari..:( i want to be happy empol,, so let me be.. im not saying dat im giving up all my hopes for us.. but i need you to prove to me dat i deserve you.. i dont know how ur gonna do dat.. but im tired of waking up each day, every day, hoping dat today will be the day dat ull decide to come back..

take ur time.. think about wat you really want.. im letting you go in the sense na.. AYOKO NG UMASA everyday habang nagiisip ka pa, na in the end tayo pa rin.. na babalik ka.. if you decide to come back and prove to me na tayo tlga.. den okay.. then maybe its meant to be.. but if you dont come back.. at least im starting to move on..

i cant get stranded here.. habang ur figuring things out.. unfair for me un.. i have always been here waiting for you to figure things out.. and where did it get me.. wala dba.. i dont want to be stuck here anymore..:( pagod na ko magemote.. pagod na ako magisip everyday why you just cant make it work.. why you just cant be that person i fell in love with 2 years ago.. or why you just cant make me feel kht man lang yung you care for me..:( i need to find my way back again..

Alamo, mahal na mahal na mahal pa rin kita. sobra.. pero im saying to you now.. its gonna be hard to win me back.. pakipot na kung pakipot.. pero uve hurt me too much and i dont know when or how i will be able to trust my heart with you again.. im not saying na i cant trust you again.. im just saying na YOU NEED TO PROVE TO ME THAT I CAN BE ABLE TO DO THAT WITH YOU AGAIN...

SHOW me that you're not just saying that you want me back.. that its not just words.. but show it too me.. make me feel that i deserve you.. PROVE IT TO ME. Dont make me believe that you can, because you say you will fix it, when you wont.

I need to be strong.. I want to be strong for myself.. i know i did everything to make things work.. but i cant do it on my own.. and i think its time for me to move forward.. because he had all the chances to fix it but he just screws up everytime he says he will.. it hurts everyday knowing he can but he just wont fix it.. i need to be happy.. because i know ideserve to be happy.. We all have a choice in everything... im choosing to let go.. and find my happiness again.. because i wont settle for this.. because i know that i deserve more..

Today, is Nov. 8.. i miss him.. i still do.. :( sometimes its hard for me to not remember all the things he did for me to make me happy.. and i just cant imagine or figure out wat happened.. i guess ill never get to know the answer to that.. because even he does not know the answer to that.. all i know is that.. he can be a better man for me.. but i guess.. its just not me.. that will make him a better man.. and for now, im moving forward and starting a new beggining..:)♥

-A

WRONG MAN FOR THE JOB lyrics

I thought that you were the best part of me
Baby, I guess that we just believe what we wanna believe
I thought I knew you so well , I couldn't tell
That this was sinking so deep
I see it now , I'm breathing now
Its time for me, For me

To let it go

It was cool when it started but now the flame has gone ,
You're the Wrong Man For The Job,
My heart is breaking to piece's but still im moving on,
You're the wrong man for the job,
Can't believe it took me so long to realise,
Finally know what it feels like ( you're the wrong man for the job)
I'm starting over but I won't be afraid , Im sorry to say
You're the wrong man for the job

Sometimes I wish I could take back everything,
It'd be easier to never have known you,
I would save myself so much pain,
Still I cant stop thinkin' bout what Im gonna do without you in the lonely nights,
But I now know what I gotta do, I can't ever change you
I'm lettin it go tonight.

Hey
It was cool when it started but now the flame has gone ,
You're the wrong man for the job,
My heart is breaking to pieces but still im moving on,
You're the wrong man for the job,
Can't believe it took me so long to realise,
Finally know what it feels like ( you're the wrong man for the job)
I'm starting over but I won't be afraid , Im sorry to say
You're the wrong man for the job

I'm lookin for somebody to love me ,
the way I should be loved( the way I should be loved)
I need someone to do more for me than you have ever done,
I love you , but you're not the one.

It was cool when it started but now the flame has gone ,
You're the wrong man for the job,
My heart is breaking to pieces but still im moving on,
You're the wrong man for the job,
Can't believe it took me so long to realise,
Finally know what it feels like ( you're the wrong man for the job)
I'm starting over but I won't be afraid , Im sorry to say
You're the wrong man for the job
You're the wrong man for the job
You're the wrong man for the job

Only if he wants it that much...:(

"I'm tired of living in the past because I know its impossible to rewind and go back in time."

Hello Bloggers!:) haha.. This line gave me the inspiration to blog again..:) so here goes..

Lately, iv'e been really thinking of what i want. For all those who doesn't know. He is seriuosly trying and wants to come back wtih me. And honestly im glad he did come back, but the other side of me doesnt know what to feel. I want him back, i do.. i really really do.. and i wont deny the fact that im still in love with him.. He says he wants me back and he said he still loves me.. but the thing is.. i feel that there's still something missing.

Here's where the quote comes in.. Maybe,, just maybe.. im still living in the past..:,( Im still expecting he'll be the same person or maybe he can still be that same person i fell in love with almost 2 years ago.. I miss being happy..:( especially with him..:( he has done so much for me.. or well.. he used to..:(

siguro, i miss the efforts he did for me.. the little things he do just to show me he cares and that he still loves me.. and what i miss the most is the part where i know what's happening in his life.. and him wanting to know what happens in mine. in short.. i miss being a part of his everyday life... even though its just the same every day..:(

Yes, we go out sometimes.. he texts me sometimes too.. and i feel very happy when we're together.. or when he texts me.. but then when he's not.. i feel sad..:( i dont know why.. but i just do.. and i dont like this feeling.. i can't be with him when im like this.. i want to be happy regardless if we are together or not.. here comes the security part.. i lost mine when he left me.. just like what i told him.. my telenovela line...

"YOU LEFT ME WHEN I WAS LOVING YOU THE MOST"

now im scared to trust him with my heart.. im scared that one day he'll leave me again.. i know it might not happen again.. but what if it does..:( its scaring the hell out of me..:( (crying right now) i want to be with him badly.. but as much as i want him back.. i want to know and feel how much he wants me back.. and i guess for now, he's too assured that i still love him dat much,, but well i do,, i really really do.. but i need to see, feel and know that he wants me back just the same..

A lot of people doesnt want him for me na.. they say, he broke my heart na and he has no excuse to hurt me like that.. But i guess dito pumapasok ung "katangahan".. haha!! No one's perfect.. He got confused.. i think nag sawa siya.. and maybe he really didnt know what to do.. thats why he choose to think about it much harder. and that's why he didnt ignore it even though he loved me that much.. In my part..

how could you just throw away something that made you uber duper super mega happy. i am not exagerating. because he really did..:,( so partly, i dont want to give up on him.. because we used to be happy and im hoping we can be again..:( and i know we can be again only if he wants it that much..:|

So the only thing left for me to do is.. tell him what i feel..:( its gonna be hard.. but he needs to know.. i dont know what will happen.. if he's gonna prove to me that we can be those two persons again.. or he'll drop us because xa na un ngaun ea.. i miss the sweet part of him..:( he is sometimes.. and im really shocked how much the way he calls me "baby" makes me smile..:( i miss that feeling.. and i only feel it when he calls me that..:( i need to be assured.. i want to feel the security of his love.. i need to feel it..:(

"Make me remember.. Because im starting to forget how it feels to be happy with you. again.:(" (Apostol, 2009)

"We CAN be MORE than what we are right now and how we used to be.."

-A

Don't Stop..:)

Don't stop [x2]

[Verse 1:]
All the money that's in the world
Can't buy me no piece of mind no
Don't matter how much you got
If your heart's unsatisfied

And you can even have a thousand friends
Still feel like your all alone
If you have no one to call your own
So excuse me if I said this once before
I just can't help myself I need something more

[Chorus:]
Cause I just love the way that you don't stop
And I just love the how that you don't stop
And everything that you do when you don't stop
Doing what you do to me
No one makes me feel how I feel with you
So don't stop don't stop what you do to me
(Oh oh oh)

[Verse 2:]
Especially when I think about, how I still live my life without ya
I wonder if I'll find someone who makes me feel so good inside
There's one thing I know for sure
I like the way it feel when we're together
And it's all good
I don't want to let you go
I just can't help myself
Girl you need to know...

[Chorus:]
Cause I just love the way that you don't stop
And I just love the how that you don't stop
And everything that you do when you don't stop
Doing what you do to me
No one makes me feel how I feel with you
So don't stop don't stop what you do to me

All I want to do is get with you
Baby girl I can't leave you alone
(I guaranty your gonna feel everything that you been missing)
All I want to do is hold your body tight
Every time I look into your sexy eyes
My baby baby baby baby! OH!


[Chorus x2]
Cause I just love the way that you don't stop
And I just love the how that you don't stop
And everything that you do when you don't stop
Doing what you do to me
No one makes me feel how I feel with you
So don't stop don't stop what you do to me

Oh... no one

Still.

August 29, my last blog.. that very same night, He said that he has made up his mind that he loves me.. Walang kasikasi. walang peropero...:| But sadly.. He said that he can't take the awkardness with my family and stuff..:( agen i got dissapointed.:( Isn't his love for me enough for him to be courageous to face my parents, ask sorry and prove them that they're wrong.:(

Days after, its like we wer friends agen.. Night before my trip to Fontana with my blockmates.. He called me baby, and this is where all the courting started.. "courting"..

I feel happy when he talks to me and when i talk to him. its like.. still having to express my love for him even though hindi kme.. I know that we still both love each other, another fact is we're both still not ready to be in a relationship. Its hard that wer like this, cos we dont where wer going,, especially me.. i have no assurance. So i just need to look out for myself.. and that's what im doing..

Right now, I actually want to be here.. coz honestly i still do love him.. i miss him.. i still want him.. but im not ready.. im scared.. But i know, where i am right nowm i am happy here..:) even though i know that its really really risky.. coz i can be hurt again.. But there's also a possibility that i can be happy..:)

Today, my mom.. said dat i shouldn't answer empol again coz his just gonna hurt me..:( but for me.. She doesnt know the real story behind us. What really happened. and

its not right for them to judge him. for all they know, he is one of the person who made my life really worthliving even though it was just for a while.

He really made me happy in so many ways. And tonyt, i told him about it..:( i guess it was a wrong move but i also think its time for him to know.. Sooner or later he'll find out that my parents are what we say a little bit mad, or just maybe too dissapointed at him..:( it will be really hard for him to earn my parents back..

But honestly, ill be here full support for him.. Coz i want to be with him..:| and i want him to prove my parents that we can make it work. that wat happened between us, is just a part of it,, and we can make it through.

I just hope that he doesn't lose the will to fight for me.. I hope that he wouldnt give up on me.. on US.. Coz honestly, i think we can make this work... only if we try.. and not give up..:) oh well.. as the cliche goes..

WE CAN ALWAYS HOPE FOR THE BEST.

-A

:(

I tried. I was there. But i failed.:(

"Baby i want you back.:c"

That was his text last thursday. Honestly?.. it was all ive been waiting for..:( but then again he failed me..:( he is still not sure if he really really really wants me back. he said he is still thinking about it blahblah..!! Im angry! im mad! im sick! im mad! im frustrated! im confused! im scared! im lost!

I know he loves me. I know he does! but until when will he figure out that he really wants to come back or let go! He is hurting me!! No matter how much i love him and want him back. The pain is too much. hindi ko na tlga kaya.. ang sktskt na..:(( i want to move on,, and i was moving on.. but everytime im there.. he comes back giving me and showing me hope that he wants me back. pero hindi pa rin pla sya sure!! wat the hell!! NAKAKAGAGO na seryoso!!

I guess, he knows na andito pa rin ako for him.. ayoko na.. how can i move on?. how?. please tell me.. d ko kya..:( nahihirapan na ako..:( i try not be.. but i know in my heart dat i still want to be there for him. but the pain is too much..:( i cant take it anymore..:(

he's breaking my heart to pieces..:( ive tried my very will to be happy.:( to go away.. to move away.:( but he keeps pulling me back.:( i know i can move on by myself.. kya ko syang i ignore..:( im sorry for being weak..:( im sorry for getting hurt again.:( im sorry im not strong enough..:( but it hurts soooo much..:( ang skt skt na tlga..:(

-A

just blogging..

We say Love can conquer all. Love is reason enough to stay with the person you love. That with Love, pain can fade away. Love means never having to say you're sorry. Love can make you see beyond the person's imperfections. You stand by that person. You try with your every will to fight for that person. You find ways to protect him from all the judgement people can give him. and just like what Marge in The Simpsons movie said to Homer:

"i did all that because....... that's it.. i just can't find the words to complete that line anymore.."

or something like that!!

Sometimes no matter how much we love a person, the only way to lessen the pain we feel is to let goo.. to fall away.. to take different paths.. even though it hurts.. and just sometimes.. when you find yourself.. you can always find your way back to the person who you really love. Its just about making the decision, following your heart and making it happen. we go astray to find something, to find clarity. and when we find that reason, we find contentment despite all the flaws and shortcomings.. telling ourselves that, IT WAS WORTH IT!:)

I will now move forward.. agen as i have said.. but this time it is for real!! I want to move on.. because i dont want to be left here stuck, hanging, breaking, and falling apart. I want to move on.. because on moving on.. i would learn to love and take care of myself again.. magpapakaselfish muna ako!:) haha.. and when he comes back, if he decides to.. then thank you superfriend for he has chosen to stand by what he feels. but if not, i wont be broken.. because i have started to move forward and will just continue doing so..

I love him.. I still do.. No matter what other people say. My love for him.. it will alwas be something that i cannot forget. He made me happy to the highest level., so far.. :) He has showed me and made me feel loved in so many ways. I want him back.. but i need more than his words,, his actions, his feelings.. I NEED CLARITY.. something that right now.. he just couldnt give me.. all i need is for me to hear him say..

"I LOVE YOU.. IM SORRY. I WANT YOU BACK. IM GONNA FIX THIS. IM GONNA FIX MYSELF FOR US. FOR YOU AND FOR ME"..

but i guess.. his not ready yet. but no matter how much i love him and how much i want him back.. I just can't weyt forever. How much more? how long will it take for him to be strong enough/ to be man enough to find the will to be that person who would be willing to love me again. and that someone who would never be confused again.. i guess we all get to that point where we get used to all of it.. but its just up to us.. on how we handle it right.?

The only pain that i know will hurt me once in a while is that.. When i see couples,, i would always ask myself..

HOW COME THEY CAN MANAGE TO STAY TOGETHER THROUGH EVERYTHING. FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE.. WHILE MY MAN CAN'T..:(

-A

You'll always be a part of me.. Thank you for making me happy.

-Thank you for everything. You made me happy, very happy, more than you'll ever know. Im taking a step forward, because i have to. Just like wat this songs says.. you'll always be a part of me. So its goodbye now.. I love you so much always remember that. and whatever happens, always remember that you were always worth it.-


Always Be My Baby Lyrics
Artist(Band):Mariah Carey

(do do do dop)
(do do doop do doop da dum)
(do do doop dum)
(do do doop do doop da dum)
(repeat)

we were as one baby
for a moment in time
and it seemed everlasting
that you would always be mine
now you want to be free
so I'm letting you fly
cause i know in my heart baby
our love will never die,no!

you'll always be a part of me
i'm a part of you indefinitely
boy don't you know you can't escape me
ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby
and we'll linger on
time can't erase a feeling this strong
no way you're never gonna shake me
ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby
(do do doop)
(do do doop do doop da dum)
(do do doop dum)
(do do doop do doop da dum)

i ain't gonna cry no
and i won't beg you to stay
if you're determined to leave boy
i will not stand in your way
but inevitably you'll be back again
cause ya know in your heart babe
our love will never end no
you'll always be a part of me
i'm part of you indefinitely
boy don't you know you can't escape me
ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby
and we'll linger on
time can't erase a feeling this strong
no way you're never gonna shake me
ooh darlin cause you'll always be my baby

i know that you'll be back boy
when your days and your nights get a little bit colder ooohhh
i know that,you'll be right back, baby
oh, baby believe me it's only a matter of time
of time

you'll always be a part of me (oooohhhh)
i'm part of you indefinitely (oooohhhh)
boy don't you know you can't escape me (ooooohhhhhh)
ooh darlin cause you'll always be my baby
and we'll linger on (and we will linger on)
time cant erase a feeling this strong (ohhhh)
no way you're never gonna shake me (oh baby)
ooh darlin cause you'll always be my baby

you'll always be a part of me (yeah yeah oooohhhh)
i'm part of you indefinitely (oooohhhh)
boy don't you know you can't escape me (ooooohhhhhh)
ooh darlin cause you'll always be my baby (no no)
and we'll linger on (you and I will always be)
time cant erase a feeling this strong
no way you're never gonna shake me (you & I)
ooh darlin cause you'll always be my baby (you & I)


(do do doop)
(do do doop do doop da dum)
(do do doop dum)
(do do doop do doop da dum)


you and i will always be
no way your never gonna shake me
no way your never gonna shake me
you and i will always be

Leave the pieces

Leave The Pieces lyrics
Songwriters: Austin, William D.; Hanson, Jennifer;

You're not sure that you love me
But you're not sure enough to let me go
Baby it ain't fair, you know
To just keep me hanging 'round

You say you don't want to hurt me
Don't want to see my tears
So why are you still standing here
Just watching me drown?

And it's alright, yeah I'll be fine
Don't worry about this heart of mine
Just take your love and hit the road

There's nothing you can do or say
You're gonna break my heart anyway
So just leave the pieces when you go

Now you can drag out the heartache
Baby you can make it quick
Really get it over with
And just let me move on

Don't concern yourself
With this mess you left for me
I can clean it up, you see
Just as long as you're gone

And it's alright, yeah I'll be fine
Don't worry about this heart of mine
Just take your love and hit the road

There's nothing you can do or say
You're gonna break my heart anyway
So just leave the pieces when you go

You're not making up your mind
It's killing me and wasting time
I need so much more than that
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

And it's alright, yeah I'll be fine
Don't worry about this heart of mine
Just take your love and hit the road

There's nothing you can do or say
You're gonna break my heart anyway
So just leave the pieces when you go
Leave the pieces when you go
Oh yeah, leave the pieces when you go

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah, yeah
Leave the pieces when you go

moving forward

Aug. 12, 2009
I went to mass that our org was sponsoring for the said term. So i went there, talked to god heart to heart. I said dat, maybe he has reasons why he gave me empol.. because he wants me to happy.. and there's also a reason why his taking him away(parang nmty ea noh? haha.. WAG NMN!) so ayun.. maybe he wants me to be strong. and right before the mass ended he texted..

sbi niya usap us..

so after the closing. i replied. i said that

okay wat are we gonna talk about.

then he replied with

Gusto ko personal ea. mamaya nlng kila theo.

kaso the thing is. i wont be going na. zarah wont be going and ayoko nmn pumunta magisa.. so ayun he kept asking why i wouldn't be going na and all.. so ayun..t apos hangang he said na..

sa sat na ung libing.

sbi ko

i dont know if i can come. cguro kung pupunta sila(gstns) then bka pumunta ako.. pero ewan ko pa rin. bhla na..

so ayun.. then he didt reply.. so ayun.. sbi ko sa sarili ko. ayoko magexpect. pero i guess from the moment he said na he wanted to talk to me personally i expected na tlga..:( i cant help it because i still do love him still..:( so much..:( so ayun.. so sbi ko bhla xa.. that same nyt.. nagonline xa.. pmed him.. and this is how our conversation went.

A: hey
E: yo
(matagal ako bgo nagreply)
E: kung may ssbhin po pki sbi nila.. papasok na akong room nilalamok na ako dito.
A: haha. ayun. wat wer we suppose to talk about.
E: wala wala.
E: Nagbago na isip ko..:)
A: oww.. ok
E: ok
A: nagbago?
E: oo
E: change
E: nagbago
A: ahh. okay
E: ok

and then i cried. super cried. kxe still deep in me.. i still hoped na he wanted me back..:( tapos biglang ganun.. nagbago! WTH tlga!! nakkainis.. at that point in time.. super nainis tlga ako!! why can't he just make up his mind if he wants to be with me or not dba!! bkt hindi niya maisip un at mkpgdecide na.. un lang nmn ea.. super i cried then i told edj and geyb, na

i feel na maybe he still wants me to want him back. he wants me to show him that i still want to be with him.

and edj thinks so too.. but i guess. im tired of showing him how much i really do love him.:( sbi ko nga sknila..

ngaun ko lang naramdaman na nakakapagod pla tlga magmahal..:(

and i meant it.. i am tired of showing him that i love him..:( but i still do..:(

Aug 13, 2009
I am pushing myslef to move forward.. no more expectations abby please!! no more.. uve been hurting so much!! no more of this crying and all!! you have to be strong and be happy for yourself.. And just when the night was about to end.. he texted me.. Friends said that i shudn't talk to him na.. i shudn't reply if he txts me..:( but no.. ndi ko kaya..:( i still replied.. sbi ko.. i need to here wat he wants to say.. and it is up to me if i would make myself hope or i would be strong and just talk with him.. so ayun.. i replied. here's how the conversation went.

E: gcng k p?
A: yup y?
E: Usap na tayo.
A: Okay. wat now?
E: Uhm i really want you back pero d ko magawa. :c
A: bkt d mo magawa?:c
E: Kc nahihiya na ako sayo, sa parents mo, sa family mo at friends mo.
A: My parents doesnt know yet, dz wikend q plang ssbhn. Friends, alam nmn nla un ea, its just dat if u realy want to g abck, u just have to show dem na sure kna. u have to prove them dat ur worth it.
E: Pano na yung cousins mo?
A: Kuya den, zhie and ate clich plang nssbhn q. same thing cguro. u just have to prove them dat dz time its gona change. dat ur gonna make things work. and gusto lang nmn nlng laht magng happy aq ea.
E: yun na nga ea. wat f ds happen agen?
A: un nga, wat if it happens agen? dats out of my control na.:c super love kita, and super nhuhurt aq everytime bgla q nlng mllmn na ur feeling dat way out of nowhere. =c
E: Me too. :C ang hirp mag decde
A: Hindi b enough ung love mo 4 me to ignore dat confusion ur feeling?:c
E: its more than enough.:c
A: Are u sure?:C empol, d ko na tlga mkkya f dz happens agen:c ang sktskt kxe ea.:c
E: kya nga iniicp ko kung ano yung dpt kong gwn.
A: Pls do think about it first. then talk to me again wen ur absolutely sure:c ung sure na sure kna.
E: opo opo.
A: okay sleep k na. late na.

There. can i just say.. na super gumaan feeling ko nung nlmn ko na he wants me back.. its not dat umaasa ako.. its just that its good to know that he still cares.. na hindi pa pla sya totally move on. affected pa rin sya eventhough he looks okay and he still does care.. ayun.. im not hoping.. but i feel good.. and now he knows na wala skn ang problema.. anskya.. and that if he wants to make it work.. nassknya yun.. he needs to know kung ano ba tlga..

As for me, im moving forward no matter wat.. no more holding back. if he comes back then maybe its meant to be.. if not, maybe its not..:) bsta i have to move forward.. para ndi ako amsktan.. i love him i still do.. and i know he still loves me too.. pero is it enough for us to still try and risk our fears to make it work. for me i can.. and its up to him to decide..

-A

dont become bitter, become BETTER!

Today.. super i was sabaw..:( 2 hours of sleep because of learpsy paper.. tapos exam ko pa rin dun..:( so super sabaw nung exam ko..:( so today.. super nagreflect ako about us..:( wala lang.. ansaket sket pa din..:(

Napisip lang ako.. na maybe hindi niya na tlga maging ung taong minahal ko..:( sbi ko nga kay edj.. i dont deserve this..:( sbi niya yes you dont.. but mas d mo deserve magstay sknya, if he knows that he cnt do anything about it na, kc ayaw n nya gwn ung dpt..:( hai.. when she told me that.. napaisip ako! true dba?.. mas d ko deserve magstay wer i wont be appreciated..:( oh well. pero sad pa rin ako whole day..:( He texted me pa during p6 lec. na why did pum ask about kung ay thing sila nung girl. haha. sarap sbhin na. eh kxe nmn noh! haha.. pero anyweiz.. i just told him na.. my friends reactions are beyond my control. and hindi ko nmn dndamy ung girl.:) so ayun.. paguwe ko he txted me about theo.. tapos sbi ko nga na bka tom kme punta ni zarah.. ayun.

while i was online knina he pmed me..: ayan..

Mark Paul Terrazola: wat time pala kayo punta bukas
*ah-ah*: im not sure ea. i havent talked to zarah yet pa. ill text her siguro mamaya.
Mark Paul Terrazola: 2 lng kayo punta ?
*ah-ah*: ndi ko alam ea. pero sya plang nkkpusap ko. haha.. the boys will go ata on friday. lala and pum are at ateneo pa. kya aun. ewan ko kung sino pa ksby nmn tom.
Mark Paul Terrazola: dinelete mo ko sa ym mo ?
*ah-ah*: oo..:D haha.. sorry.. bitter. :D inadd na kita ulet oh..:) di na bitter..
Mark Paul Terrazola: ok ok
*ah-ah*: sorry.. :( :)
Mark Paul Terrazola: u dont have to :D
*ah-ah*: okay.:)

f.y.i. binura ko sya kahapon sa ym ko! haha.. kxe nman nahuhurt ako ea! sorry! tao lang! so ayun.. inadd ko sya ulet.. friends na kme ulet sa ym. haha

Kanina i asked geyb. do you think he still loves me? sbi ni geyb yes daw, but he just doesnt want me to get hurt.. he also said na.. he also thinks na he misses me.. and things like that. For me, its a good feeling to know that even though we chose to go different ways we still care.. that he still cares for me..:(

sbi ko kay geyb knina.. when i woke up from my hapon sleep. i woke up sad.. kxe naalala ko ung times na.. pagkagising ko katai ko na xa.. not knowing na he'll be there pla.. ung mga ganun.. surprises na gngwa niya for me.. namagpopop up nlng sya dito sa bhy..:( i just miss the old times..:(

another thing to blog about today is that,, ung sinabi ni ate pao

"DONT BECOME BITTER, BECOME BETTER!"

super nastruck ako dyan.. true,,ayoko na maging bitter. actually i want us to be friends.. we went through a lot.. and we are too good people who loves each other.. sayang un noh! haha.. so ayun.. one step at a time..:) i will be okay..:) its okay to be sad.. its okay to miss him.. but someday i will be okay!:) i know i wil..:)

-A

I am now letting go..

August 8, 2009
our supposedly monthsary. my friends came! and they super made me happy!! YES YOU GUYS DID! Thank you, Pauline San MAteo, KArl Madlansakay, Gabriel Yumol, Michael MAllorca, Michelle Manaligod, Jason Rosal, JEssica Cortes, Ray-Ann Mendoza, Marvie Luz Castillo, and Basil Bote! SUPER THANK YOU FOR MAKING ME SMILE!! that night i super cried.. dhil sbi ko. ayoko na umasa..so itexted him..

A: Can we talk?
E: Okay. Cge lets talk.
A: I want you to let me go na.
E: Why?
A: Kxe its too much to bear na. ayoko ng umasa. i cant take d pain anymore. its super hurting na
E: Okay i understand pero i dnt want to do ds kc nasasaktan dn ako.
A: Wat do you mean?
E: Kung gusto m let go kta cge let go kta kht ayoko.
A: Do you know how much hurt i am? how painful it is 4 me?
E: I know parehas lang tayo nssktan. f i let you go wil it ease or lessen d pain?
A: I dont know. cge, r u sure na u dont stil want me to let go?
E: Yeah hindi pa rin ako nkkdecide
A: Ok. u think aboout it, u think about wat u really really want. as for me, il try to hold on hangat kaya ko pa.
E: Okay . Sorry

That night, amidst all the things i was thinking.. all the pain i felt.. i let it go.. i believed in him.. i put my faith on him.. na maybe there's a reason why he doesnt want to let me go. so ayun.. i believed in him.. and waited.

TOday August 10, 2009..
I super felt na there was something that's gonna happen today. i wore the clothes i wore when we first went out. sign ba yun?.. haha!! at first i was super feeling jealous of her! ayoko na magdrop names! bsta kxe.. they were all over FB! hai.. i got jealous you know why?.. kxe gusto ko ganun sya sken..:( ganun namn siya dati ea.. bat ngaun hindi na..:( and while i was doing some work.. he pmed me..:

Mark Paul Terrazola (8/10/2009 9:54:56 PM): busy ka ?
*ah-ah* (8/10/2009 9:55:07 PM): not really. why?
Mark Paul Terrazola (8/10/2009 9:55:11 PM): lets talk
*ah-ah* (8/10/2009 9:55:17 PM): okay.
*ah-ah* (8/10/2009 9:56:06 PM): what now?
Mark Paul Terrazola (8/10/2009 9:57:08 PM): i think i should let you go na
*ah-ah* (8/10/2009 9:57:51 PM): is that wat you really want?
Mark Paul Terrazola (8/10/2009 9:58:03 PM): yeah . kasi nasasaktan ka kung gan2 . nasasaktan din ako .
Mark Paul Terrazola (8/10/2009 9:58:15 PM): i think hindi na naten mababalik yung dating tayo kung 22loy lng naten to
*ah-ah* (8/10/2009 10:09:23 PM): are you falling for her na ulet?
Mark Paul Terrazola (8/10/2009 10:09:28 PM): who ?
*ah-ah* (8/10/2009 10:09:34 PM): kat
Mark Paul Terrazola (8/10/2009 10:09:47 PM): nope
*ah-ah* (8/10/2009 10:10:55 PM): kxe nafefeel ko na meron. and i see the old you with her.
Mark Paul Terrazola (8/10/2009 10:11:10 PM): panung you see the old me with her ?
*ah-ah* (8/10/2009 10:12:08 PM): kxe ganun ka sken dati ea. the sweet you. the happy you. ganun.
Mark Paul Terrazola (8/10/2009 10:12:27 PM): panu mo naman nasabi na im sweet pag dating sa kanya ?
*ah-ah* (8/10/2009 10:13:38 PM): kxe ung mga gngawa mo sknya sa FB ngaun, ganun ka din sken nung sa friendster pa.
Mark Paul Terrazola (8/10/2009 10:14:04 PM): ginagawa ? anu ba ginagawa ko sa kanya ? FFS ? yun na yung basihan mo ?
*ah-ah* (8/10/2009 10:15:04 PM): noo.. i feel your happy with her. kxe alamo un lang naman ung gusto ko ea. maging sweet ka ulet . un lang.
Mark Paul Terrazola (8/10/2009 10:15:38 PM): ikaw nararamdaman mo pera ako hindi .
*ah-ah* (8/10/2009 10:17:05 PM): okay. i just wanted to know.
*ah-ah* (8/10/2009 10:17:23 PM): so itoh na tlga, ur really gonna let me go?. this is wat u really want.
Mark Paul Terrazola (8/10/2009 10:17:51 PM): yes
*ah-ah* (8/10/2009 10:18:53 PM): okay. then ur free na
Mark Paul Terrazola (8/10/2009 10:18:58 PM): u too..

and from then on.. i was now letting go. yes, i cried i was sad.. because a part of me still wanted it to work.. sbi ko nga at sbi nila..

HINDI BA SAPAT YUNG LOVE NIYA FOR ME TO FIX WHAT HIS FEELING.

dba? hindi ba sapat? oh well, mahirap ipilit ang mga bagy bgy.. dapt bukal sa loob.. but infairness to him.. i know he tried.. i know he did.. hindi nya lang tlga kaya maging yung taong minahal ko noon.

TODAY, ABBY IS NOW MOVING ON

. somehow, this is what ive been waiting for, for a long time now.. let go kung let go dba.. somehow im fine now, kxe alam ko na nawala na akong lilingunan pabalik.. the only path for me to take is let go and the next step would be move on.. thats the only path.. NO MORE HOLDING ON. though it hurts but IT IS REALITY. sbi ko nga.. ayokong ipilit ung sarili ko sa ayaw sken. dhil alam kong i deserve more than that! now.. abby is no more faithfullyinlove. she's single! yes, i am single. but ive always loved this blog site. maybe. sooner or later. ill learn to love again.. and be faithfullyinlove again. someday.. we'll see... signing off now..:)

-A

ayoko ng maging sad.:)

Aug. 6, 2009.
I thought this day would pass with out talking to him. but when i went online.. he pmed me..

weirdopot: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=031N31B4EvM&feature=PlayList&p=2CE686BFEF61D2D3&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=3
weirdopot: huy
*ah-ah*: yup?
weirdopot: watch na lng yan para sumaya ka konti
weirdopot: na watch mo na
weirdopot: ?
*ah-ah*: yup.
weirdopot: cute no ?
*ah-ah*: yeah.
weirdopot: hirap mo naman kausapin sige wag na nga lng
*ah-ah*: what?.
weirdopot: wala .
*ah-ah*: hai. okay
weirdopot: im trying to open a conversation tas ganyan ka . kaya wag na lang .
*ah-ah*: im sorry. its just that. ang hirap kxe ng gnto ea.
weirdopot: hirap na nga ng ganito lalo mo pa pinapahirap sige next time na lng ulet
*ah-ah*: its not easy empol. super. i want to be okay with you. kaso hindi ko ata kya. kxe ang skt.
weirdopot: then dont . ako pinipilit kong kayanin ikaw hindi ?
*ah-ah*: ang hirap kxe. nagkakaron ako ng hopes. ayoko umasa. ang hirap ang skt.
*ah-ah*: hai. okay. im sorry for being cold. my bad.
weirdopot: night . may pasok ka bukas ah . tulog ka na
*ah-ah*: in a while. dba ikaw diin may pasok?
weirdopot: aaral pa ako
weirdopot: mga 12 na siguro ako tutulog or 1
weirdopot: bahala na
weirdopot: punta na ako ulet room
*ah-ah*: okay. study kna ulet para u can sleep early.

there. In the middle of this conversation, i have realized na ayoko ng maging sad.:) ayoko ng maging malungkot.:) Yes, it hurts so much, watever hapened is in the past. i have to be strong for myself. i deserve more than this.:) abby needs to smile and be happy again.:)

The things is.. i want the hurting to stop..

I want to let him go,, but im just not yet ready to give up on him. im not ready to stop holding on.. but yet, i wont hope for anything.

kung baga.. chill lang.:) haha.. SMILE lang abby!:) Like you always do.:)

Whatever happens happens.:) sbi nga sa a walk to remember..:

MAYBE GOD HAS BETTER PLANS FOR ME THAN WHAT I HAVE FOR MYSELF.:)

Abby will smile again. no more sad thoughts. happy thoughts come to me. Look at the bright side! think positive!:) and just SMILE!.:)

-A

We dont know..:(

August 1, 2009
We broke up.. While the world was crying for Cory's death.. I was crying for a broken heart.

August 2, 2009
He posted ":( i miss." on my Facebook wall.
That night he also texted..

E: still up? :c
A: (nagtxt through sun) hey, wala akong load and ngaun ko lang nkita txt mo.
E: okay. bkt parati ka nlng walang load? at bkt gcng ka pa? wala akong pangreply sa sun.
A: nagpapaantok na rin ako. hindi na ako nagpapaload sa globe kxe wala rin nmn akong ittxt ea. tska kakawala lang ng unli ko kanina. u can reply sa globe ko
E: ah okay okay. cnabi m na ba kila tia?
A: hindi pa ea. hindi k kaya.:(
E; Wag muna. D p nman tau sure n sure e. :c
A: Ang hirap kya.:c to pretend to them dat wer okay wen wer not. kanina nga inaasar pa nla ako syo ea. i just smiled.=c
E: E kase nkkhiya s knila pag cnbi m n wala na tayo ult. nakkhiya yun 4 sure d na aq magpapakita s knila kung ganun mangyare.
A:okay cge i wont tel dem muna. unless wer super sure na.
E: okay. thanks for understanding.
*talked about henry(nakita nya daw and all.. blahblah)
A: empol i dont get it=c ang labo
E: alin? bkt?
A: Us wer do i stand?. so im just waiting 4 u? to be with me or to let me go? =c
E: Hindi ko masagot kc hindi ko rn alam. I have to slip na.:c napikit n mata ko e.
A: okay:c

August 3, 2009
Everyone was asking me if there was another girl. i aid i dont think there is.. but still ang kulet nila! haha.. so i asked him for clarity.

A: Hey can i ask u something?=c
E: Anu un?
A: Do u like som1 else? or my other girl?=c
E: WALA. sobrang wala.:c
A: okay. thank u. i just wanted to know.
E: Okay. Sorry.

So there. cleared. no other girl.

August 4, 2009
Drinking day! Super i wanted to drink! my parents went home na! and super i can release it all out. first: went out with psyc friends at UM.. then met up with blardz! he treated me with ice cream! yummy!! tapos made tambay sa Mixed ave with the boys. Si migs pinainom ako 2 shots! bangag bangag na agad! kxe namn. broken heart + sad +drink =bad equation..:( then went to str8! konting drinks and nachos lang. When i went home with geyb, edj and jess.. super kwentuhan about it. ang sad..:(

Paguwe.. nagdrink kme ni edj.. sleepover sya ea.. super i wanted to let it all out. all through out the night. they wer texting. and yes, i somehow knew. but i told edj dat i dont want to hear it. kxe its just gonna give me false hopes..:(

We kept on reminiscing how happy i was back then. i showed her mny planner.. showing all the dates when we wer together.how happy i was. ung mga surprises i got from him. ung mga efforts nya for me. :( hai.. and then we got to talk about the problem. sbi ko all i wanted was him for to be sweet. un lang.. i also told her how bad i felt na he wasn't saying i love you to me lately before the break up..:( how much i missed the sweet person empol was.:( napagusapan din nmn ung simple things na super nagmemean ng laht.. ung hugs na super nagpapaokay ng laht.. na how much it means when he kisses you in the forehead. na when he whispers "i love you" out of nowhere.. super it means a lot.. sbi ko rin na.. alam mo un.. kht feel mo na love ka nya.. super ang laki ng difference when you tell her and you remind her that yu love her..:( lahat un.. super namimiss ko about him..:(

When we were drinking na. he texted me.

E: Hinay hinay lang sa inom ah...
(i didnt reply.. sbi ko wala akong load. so si edj nalng nagtxt) mya mya he texted again.
E: Lasingera hinay lang ha. Im gona sleep na. Nyt.

dito ata pumasok ung sbi ko.. how much it means to me when he calls me baby..:( oo kay lang skn na he calls me bano, abnoy, kxe makulit.. pero alam mo un. when he calls me baby its like his telling me that he needs me..:( and yes, i miss the way he calls me baby..:( i super miss it..:( cried that night super..:( and ung nagstruck sken na sinabi ni edj is..

"What if hindi niya na kayang ibalik ung gusto mo from him?.. maybe bka ka niya nilet go kxe alam niya sa sarili nia na hindi niya na kayang abalik ung sweetness na hinahanap mo. Pero un nga, nagawa niya nuon.. bkt hindi ngaun?.."

I cried super..:( what if nga ganun..:(

August 5, 2009
When we woke up.. edj told me na empol txted her. sbi ko okay nlng.. when edj left.. super i cried on her shoulders.. kxe super it hurts tlga..:(( tapos hinug niya lang ako.. sbi niya pagisipan ko daw.. and i have to be strong for myself..:(

Out of nowhere.. nagpm sya sken:

weirdopot (8/5/2009 9:49:21 PM): wat time ka na natulog kagabi
*ah-ah* (8/5/2009 9:49:51 PM): 1.30? 2? not sure
weirdopot (8/5/2009 9:49:55 PM): ok
weirdopot (8/5/2009 10:07:38 PM): anjan pa ba si rej sa bahay mo ?
*ah-ah* (8/5/2009 10:08:00 PM): she left na. kaninag around 3 pa
weirdopot (8/5/2009 10:08:07 PM): ah okay .
weirdopot: you want to talk ?
*ah-ah*: about what?
weirdopot: so d mo alam kung anu pag uusapan naten dapat ?
weirdopot: sige wag na lng .
*ah-ah*: im just asking about what. marami kayang pwedeng pagusapan.
weirdopot: sige nga sabihin mo saken yung "madame"
*ah-ah*: ewan ko.. we can talk about us. skul? friends? i dont know.
weirdopot: y do u think na kelangan naten pag usapan ang skul and friends ngayun ?
*ah-ah*: i dont know. im just saying lang nmn ea
weirdopot: okay . i think now is not the time para mag usap tayo .
weirdopot: im asking you if u want to talk tas d mo alam dapat naten pag usapan . sige aral na ako ulet
*ah-ah*: empol. i dont get you sobra.. :(
weirdopot: okay explain ko sayo ng maayos ha para naman gets mo
weirdopot: una . nag kalabuan tayo . nag cool off tayo . nag break tayo . so anu sa tingin mo kelangan naten pag usapan ?
weirdopot: friends paren at skul ?
*ah-ah*: okay sige. then lets talk about us. pwede mo nmn istraight na sbhin na pagusapn ntn ung tayo dba. hindi ung parang nagglit kna agad dian
weirdopot: tingnan mo tinanong nga kta e . tapos d mo alam kung anu dapat naten pag usapan . hindi ngayon ang oras para mag usap tayo
*ah-ah*: er.. okay.
weirdopot: redj told me that ur drinking and crying kagabi .
weirdopot: abby matalino ka , d mo dapat ginagawa yang mga bagay na yan
*ah-ah*: empol. i know, im better than that. but im hurt. i dont want to keep it all inside. and besides ive been holding it all in hangang khapon lang. kahapon ko lang un nalabas lht.
*ah-ah*: kxe these past few days i needed to be strong and just smile for my parents.
weirdopot: okay . pero kelangan bang uminom at magpakalasing ?
*ah-ah*: hindi nman ako super nagpakalasing ea. super i just want it all out
weirdopot: so nalabas mo na lahat ?
*ah-ah*: i dont know. maybe. maybe not
weirdopot: okay . to tell you the truth . i want to end this na .
weirdopot: i want to let you go .
weirdopot: pero there's a part of me na ayaw kang bitawan .
weirdopot: pero honestly i want you to be happy . mas masasaktan ka kasi pag tinuloy naten . pero im not sure . kahit ako naguguluhan
*ah-ah*: maybe should let me go na
weirdopot: is that what you want
*ah-ah*: i dont know. i really dont know. but it hurts so much
weirdopot: kahit ako nasasaktan din .
weirdopot: if you're not sure bket sinasabi mong kelangan na kita i let go ?
*ah-ah*: i dont know. coz as much as it hurts to let you go, its much harder to hold on for nothing. :(
weirdopot: dont assume na ur holding for nothing .
weirdopot: kasi hindi nawawala feelings ko for you
weirdopot: go ahead ask redj. wer texting kagabi until kaninang umaga
weirdopot: i super care for you . im telling her what to do . :(
*ah-ah*: empol i dont know na. :( im super hurting. ang sktskt na tlga.:((
weirdopot: ako rin nasasaktan abby . kasi mahal na mahal kita ayaw kita pakawalan . pero gusto ko rin kasi nasasktan ka na sa nangyayare saten
*ah-ah*: i feel the same way. i dont want to let you go coz i still love you. so much. and i just really want to go back. but we cant., i just want the hurting the stop. and i think na mahirap nmn na ipilit ntng ayusin kung alam ntng walang mangyayari.
weirdopot: what do you mean by we cant go back to each other ?
*ah-ah*: i want to go back to the way we used to be. happy. pero parang ang hirap e
weirdopot: and why is that
weirdopot: bat sa tingin mo mahirap
*ah-ah*: i dont know. :(
*ah-ah*: sbi sken ni edj.. wat if yung gusto ko from you hindi mo na mabalik..i mean. i want the old you back. and she said. wat if hindi mo na kya ibalik un.. parang ganuun.. ewan ko ang gulo. :(
weirdopot: oo i understand redj
weirdopot: kasi pag naging tayo ulet . mag kakaron na ng gap between us . :(
weirdopot: parang mag kakaron na ng doubt at mag aalinlanangan na
*ah-ah*: un din ung sbi ko kay edj. na parang everytime nlng siguro na magiging super happy tayo ulet. hindi ko maalis sken na matakot na bka bukas or the next day after that. ur gonna be confused again. and thats gonna be hard for me.
weirdopot: i know :((
weirdopot: sorry kung nasasaktan kita .
weirdopot: d ko sinasadya to
*ah-ah*: i dont know wat to say.:(
*ah-ah*: empol, let me go na.:(
weirdopot: is that what you really want ?
BUZZ!!!
*ah-ah*: honestly, i dont know. :(
weirdopot: so why do you keep on telling me to let you go
*ah-ah*: kxe nafefeel ko un ung gusto mo.:(
weirdopot: hindi ko gusto
*ah-ah*: then wat do you want?
weirdopot: i dont know .
weirdopot: gusto ko maging tayo ulet . gusto ko rin i let go ka
*ah-ah*: but we need to make a choice. we have to decide. kxe the more we keep on holding on the more its gonna hurt.
weirdopot: okay but do we need to decide now na agad ?
*ah-ah*: i dont know :(
weirdopot: wala ka ba class bukas
weirdopot: late na ah .
*ah-ah*: i have.
*ah-ah*: u shud be going na. i know its your midterms.
weirdopot: oh sleep na late na masyado
*ah-ah*: you shud be studying.
weirdopot: eh ikaw bat d ka pa matutulog
*ah-ah*: i cant sleep din ea. and may gagawin pa ako. u go ahead. im gonna be fine.
weirdopot: anu pa gagawin mo
*ah-ah*: chem journal. i want to start it na today so that hindi ko toh maxado maisip.
weirdopot: ok ok
*ah-ah*: magaral ka na.
weirdopot: tapos na
*ah-ah*: okay. sleep na. i know ur early pa tom
weirdopot is typing a message.
weirdopot: okay . nyt
*ah-ah*: nyt

ang skt..:( im lost.. how can this be happening..:( wer both hurting. and we dont want to let go of each other..:( bkt ganun...:( ang skt tlga..:( how.. i was talking to geyb.. and this words from him struck me..:( its true.. very true..:(

Gabriel Yumol: wht can u say to fix a relationship thats been great.. only to fade away suddenly?

-A

Drift away..:(

E: Huy bano cool off parn tyo? :c
E: Usap n tyo.

*i didnt have load. nakitxt ako sa kaptid ko.

A: hey, i dont have load. i dont know.:c

*nagpaload ako..

A: There, wat now?:c
E: Gusto m pa i2loy?
A: I2loy ang ano?
E: Relationsip ntn.
A: Kung ako tatanungin mo, oo and sagot q. E ikaw, gus2 mo pa bng i2loy to?
E: Feel ko kc lalo ka at tayo masasaktan pag nangyare ult to e.
A: I know. Can i just ask? Kung bkt k confused?
E: I dont know. I promise d ko lam kung bkt?
A: Hindi q kxe magets ea, wer super ok. den bgla kng macoconfuse out of nowhere. hindi q maintindihn kung bkt k ngkkgnyan.:c nagsasawa ka na b?
E: I know. :c kc parang may part skn na nag ssbing wag ko n i2loy kc masasaktan k lang. Meron dn n gusto kong i2loy. sbi nila bka daw nagsasawa na ako kya gn2 aq.
A: Empol, kung ayaw mo na wag na ntn ii2loy. wag n ntng iplt.
E: E pano kung mali magng dcsyon ntn. lets say na d na natn i22loy to. Pero bka kc mali e. Bka may way pa para kayanin to.
A: Wala naman skn un ea, nasasayo. Ang skt skt na.=,c
E: So ano nga pano pag maling d na ntn i2loy panu n?
A: Hindi q alam. =c
E: Pwede prn ntn itry kung mali dba? :c
A: =,c
E: D m cnagot
A: Hindi q alam.=c cguro. Ewan q. =c
E: Okay. Sna ung gagawn ntn n to makaka buti 4 d both of us.
A: So wer breaking up na?.
E: Ewan d ko tlga alam. Ayaw na kta masaktan.
A: Maybe this is 4 d better, im letting u go
E: Wat if mali to.
A: Hindi q alam. Hindi q tlga alam
E: Kung mali to. Pipilitin kong maayos ntn. :c
A: I dont know wat to say
E: Please say something kc hindi ko to kaya mag isa. kung wala ka masabi cguro nga tama to. Kung ganyan ka parati. wala nga patutunguhan to.
A: Empol, it hurts. Super.=c and sktskt.=c i didnt want dz to happen but i gues its d only way.=c my parents are hr, and i dont want dm to c me crying like dz. im hurting sobra..=,c
E: Yun na nga e. Im asking f kung mali to pwede pa b ntn maayos to. Pero d m ko cnagot. Gusto kong itama to .
A: Okay, cguro kung mali to , we cn try to fx dz again. but i really think u need 2 think about wat u really want. =c ang sktskt 2 know na wer super ok, and d next day ur confused. =,c
E: Yan lang inaantay ko. Kung mali to ill do my best para magng tama ult.
A: okay.=c
E: Im sorry abby.:c kaw paren abnoy ko. :c

I didnt reply na..:( ang sktskt..:( super..:( but i think it really is for the better. if we try to fix this.. i know for sure na this will happen again. mahirap ipilt. kxe masasaktan lang ako ulet. ayun. its official.. im single. again. oh well.. ang skt tlgaaaa..:( still crying..:,(

watch this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4nVhAVIMtic&feature=channel#

*read every line of the lyrics..
LYRICS:
Try to make sense of it all
we turn one way and turn away again
Wondering if it's gonna fall
Will we never make it to the end
Were we the start of something great
Were u the only one to shake
The only way i thought that we would go
Did we really put it all at stake
And how do we deal with dreams of could've beens
And lives that we could live
Will you ever see me in that light again
Or will we drift away
Drift away, far away from
Questions we may ask
And doors that we have never opened
Drift away, far away from
Everything we had
walk the road not taken
Drift away, far away from me
Drift away

Will we turn and say goodbye
will we run and say hello again
see the glow deep in your eyes
Will it ever feel the same again
Can we heal the damage done
finally find our place in the sun
Something told me you could be the one
The only one to set me free

-A

i wanna go back..:(

“Love. It is the hardest habit to break and the craving most difficult to satisfy.”

Ironic right?.. but it is the truth.. why do we stay when you yourself can see that there is no hope left for the both of you.. is it because of that little iiiiinsyyy bitsyyy thing left that still wishes that everything will just be alright again..

Geyb: iniisip mo lagi iisipin niya eh.. bakit wala ka ba pakiramdam? can't you express yours for a change?

Then i cried..:( it is a reality that i have to face.. and if you ask me why?... i dont know really.. or just maybe.. just maybe.. i dont want to blow that little hope that maybe a part of him still wants to make this relationship work..:( and i dont want to be the reason for blowing up that little chance.:(

Sometimes, i find myself strong.. feeling that i would be just fine on my own.. "single".. no worries about any other people.. just worrying about me and me and me..

but then.. sometimes i wonder how could this happen to us..:( hoooooooooooooowwww???.. what happpppeneedddddddddddddd??.. everything seemed sooooooooo perfect.. yes, there were flaws and shortcomings,, but everything was compensated and satisfied.. then what happened?.. whhhhyyy is this happening to me?.. to him..? and to us?..

How can that one person who made me truly happy (wipe tears*) just be confused in one moment from the other..?.. Back then, nothing seemed wrong.. like nothing wrong was ever going to happen... and now,, asan na kme..?.. we are two worlds floating away from each there..

i wanna go back..:( i really do...:(

its basically what i feel.

I'm Alone Now
by Beyonce

It really hurts to say this yes it does
But after a while sweet
love just ain´t enough
So many settle for less just because
Maybe I´m more in love with what it was
But what´s gets so confusing baby You and me
it´s been so much confusion lately
You couldn´t see that you were losing me

Well I´m alone now but I ain´t lonely
I´m on my own now
But I ain´t the only
Honestly I´m fine
I´ll take this time to concentrate on me
And I got possibility to keep me company

Won't you just assume he doesn´t care
To internalize it all isn´t fare
So I address the problem so that he's aware
But I still feel all alone
even when he's there
Maybe we can fix it baby
I know we can
If I make you miss it baby
Then maybe you will understand

That I´m alone now but I ain´t lonely
I´m on my own now
But I ain´t the only
Honestly I´m fine
I´ll take this time to concentrate on me
And I got possibility to keep me company

La la la la la la la la laaa
la la la la la la la la laaa
la la la la la la la la laaa
la la la la la la la la laaa

Well I´m alone now but I ain´t lonely
I´m on my own now
But I ain´t the only
Honestly I´m fine
I´ll take this time to concentrate on me
And I got possibility to keep me company

i keep holding out for what i dont know....

cool off. -July 29, 2009; 10:03 am

-A

Are you still happy?

I find myself thinking about stuff today, especially about the question "ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?".. and i wonder.. am i?.. is this wat i want?.. is this were i want to be?.. are you TRULY happy with where you are right now?..

my answer is.. i dont know..:(

Yes, we just went out last sunday. We had so much fun.. laughing around, being silly, cuddling, being together was something i thought could make everything back to normal again. but i guess i was wrong..Yes, i admit i am afraid of losing him. of losing the very happpiness i found almost 2 years ago. but when i look back and compare it to now. everythings different.

October 6, 2007.. Our first date together, eversince that day i have been living a happy soul. up until now.:( looking back. i was happy. contented. and most importantly i was ASSURED of his love. but now, im quite not sure.

Lately, his been busy with school. late ioght works that i opted not to disturb him. so okay, yesterday, he said pa na.. his gonna go na daw kxe he has to finish his work and mauna na daw ako magsleep. before i went to bed.. i txted him.. no replies.. maybe he is busy.. but today, itexted him in the morning. when i got home. then around 630. nothing. then he went online.. my stat was "not feeling wel.." okay 5-10 minutes has passed he hasn't pmed me yet.. so i did.. here's how the conversation went.. by the way his stat knina was.. "confused and i dont know why.@.@"..

*ah-ah*: ur not texting..:(
weirdopot: busy ako kanina e
*ah-ah*: whole day..?:(
weirdopot: yeah
*ah-ah*: wats with the stat?
*ah-ah*: :(
weirdopot: im confused e
*ah-ah*: with what?..
weirdopot: bat kelangan lahat pansinin
*ah-ah*: im just asking,, ur my boyfriend i care..:(
weirdopot: okay
*ah-ah*: can i ask you something?..
weirdopot: nu un
*ah-ah*: are WE okay?..
weirdopot: go straight to the point wag mo ko pahulain .
weirdopot: nakaka stress araw ko ngayon
*ah-ah*: un nga.. are WE okay? or there's something wrong with us?.. un lang..
weirdopot: i think so .
weirdopot: i dont know please wag ngayon
weirdopot: badtrip na nga ako dadagdag ka pa
*ah-ah*: okay.. ill stop na..
*ah-ah*: im sorry. just pm me wen ur okay na..

and then nothing.:| wat i think?.. boyfriends and girlfriends are suppose to be there for each other.. no matter what.. in this case, its like he doesnt need me. i sooooooooooooooooo want to be a part of his life.. i do.. i dnt know wat i have done wrong. but somewhere along the way, he took the wrong turn and i think he can't find the right track back.:( his different.:| he is.:|

i want my old boyfriend back..:( i do.:( i want him to need me back.:( dats all i neeed.:(

I suddenly remmebered wat i told yana.. "it doesnt matter how long the relationship was.. but its how they lived in the relationship!!" true..:| i find myself guilty. i so wanted this relationship to stay for long.. but i guess that doesn't matter anymore, i was happy with him for 1 year and 2 months and even more..

I dont know wat i want now..:( i dont know wat happened along the way..:( i dont know..:( im pretty lost.:(

-A

happy and scared..:(

WHITE FLAG UP!:) Must i say the fight is officially over..:) Along the fight, i learned a lot of things!:) haha!! yes i did!:) i observed that those people who are single, tends to give advices such us "you deserve more than that".. "his not worth it.." but for those who had long term realationships na.. they would say that.."its normal,, you just have to be strong..".. "give space muna and everything will be alright..".. haha.. see.. how different our point of views are..:)

I was actually looking out for a breakup.. yes, i was expecting that, i would not deny.. i felt that everythings hopeless for he was not doing anything. i felt that he didn't want it"our relationship" anymore.. honestly, a part of me just wants the hurting to stop. and another part of me doesn't want it to end. One thing, it was not a worthless 1year and 2 months to be thrown away because of too much pain from fighting.. i felt na ang babaw ng reason for a breakup..:( I also thought of breaking it up a lot of times.. because for me,, i did everything to make things work.. and i dont want to get dumped coz i know that's going to be unfair for me.. but i also dont want to be the 1st one who would give up on our relationship..:( soo.. i waited.. but last July 23, around 10pm.. he texted!

And right there and then.. i told him wat i felt..

" hindi ko pa rin alam kung anong gusto ko.. bsta ang alam ko a part of me still wants this to work.. but do you still want to?"

.. that's what i texted him.. i was ready then of wat he was about to say..and he replied.

"yeah. gusto ko rin"

and i cried.. that's what ive been waiting for.. all i needed to know was if he wanted it to work.. and so he did.. and right there and then we were okay na..:) (not fully okay.. but somewhat, of course, d nmn un ganun kadali)

Yesternyt, July 25, around midnyt.. i smiled.. for the first time in 2-3 weeks.. he said goodnight and i love you..:) i love you.. not i love you too.. but i love you..:) and somehow i smiled all throughout the night.:)

Today, July 26, we went out! and yes, we made it through the day wthout fighting!! woohoo!!:) haha!! so here goes..:)

i told him to comeover coz my mom has been looking for him! bkt d na daw pumupunt aung boyfriend ko! haha.. so he came.. commute.. kxe wala ung car niya!:) nagpakita kay mami and tito.. then we left.. we went straight to his house kxe he wanted to change his shirt kxe nadumihan.. SUPER ULAN kxe knina.. so there.. we stayed for a couple of hours sa bhy nila kxe super lakas ng ulan! and there.. i found out wat i missed the most.. cuddling in front of the tv.. where nothing else matters but us.. and super kulitan lang..:) i super missed that!! after a while we decided to conquer the rain! haha!! we walked for a while.. tig isa kme ng payong pero he was so kulit like hinihila niya payong ko at bsta he finds way para mabasa ako!! so there.. we went back to sm.. to watch a movie! funny thing was.. we watched "Journey to the Center of The Earth.." kxe un lang ung super okay na time na d na kme malalate.. and guess wat! the movie was 15pesos per tao lang! haha. and he can't get over it!! haha!! tawa ako ng tawa kxe he cant get over it!!:) haha

After the movie, we went to DQ kxe andun si mitchy and mimi.. tapos we went to goldilocks to buy mom pasalubong!! tapos dun super harutan kme! harutan na hindi pda kundi parang dalwang batang nagkukulitan!! haha para kmeng ewan! haha..

and yes, i did love every minute, every second we were together.. kht umuulan.. i was so so so happy..:)

When i went home,, he texted,, then konting chat,, then naglogout xa without paalam..:( i texted him no reps.. but weyt,, yes, i understand. his doing a paper due tomorow.. and gaya ng sbi niya knina sken.. its a loooooooooooooooooooooooooong paper..:) haha.. wawa nmn boyfriend ko..:( and why am i paranoiiiid??!!!

Im scared..:( yes, i admit im scared.. for some time now, this is a break from all the fighting, misunderstandings and from missing each other. we are so back in the track again.. and i dont want to make a turn.. i dont want to lose it..:( im afraid that it will go back to the way it used to be..:( the fighting and all..:| i want to contain this feeling of happiness because im happy here.. i am super happy.. and i dont want to lose it.:(


-A

I don't get it..:(

For some of you who doesn't know, me and my boyfriend and i just got into a huge type.. the type where i felt that he doesn't love me anymore.. where i felt he didn't care even a little.. where i doubted our relationship.. where i felt single, where i felt i don't have a boyfriend anymore..

and after some time, nagkaayos din kme.. it took about 3 days i think?.. but it left me hanging..i still dont get it.. why i felt like that.. or why he is acting like that..

Yesterday, July 21, 2009.. We went out to watch Cinemalaya. and just right before kme magkita! *BOOM*AWAY nnmn!!:( and up until now wer still not talking..:(

His facebook stat says "i will end this soon." i tried to chat him there.. i said "hindi mo ba tlga ako kakausapin?" and wala pa rin.. nothing.. he went offline..

and one thing i saw his ex's wall at FB!! nagpost pa sa wall ang loko!! "so sungit. :p" i don't get it.. no more please.. im hurting..:(

-A

i can still smell you..:)

Yes!:) i can still smell his perfume on my hands, on my arms and on my shirt..:) but im getting ahead of my story..:)

These past few days has been really hard on me..:( i found myself wondering about a lot of things especially about my relationship with my boyfriend.. As of all of you have read from my last blog we had a fight on our monthsary, july 8th.. but that very same day nagkaayos din naman kme thank god..:) medyo nabawasan naman ung pagkabully nya after that, but i just cant take away the fact that he is a natural bully!!:)so there..:) another fact is, i cant deny that i truly do miss him a lot.. i miss having to be with him..:( One night we were texting and all(as usual) , i found the courage to ask him out! haha:)) oh ayan!! at least umeeffort din ako!:) I told him na magwatch kme ng ICE AGE 3 this sat!:) which was today!!:) so he said yes and all, OP CORZ!!:)

Yesterday, July 10 friday.. While i was training rats with my fellow groupmates.. we were texting all throughout the training..:) and he was excited and all.. and had everything all planned out for the next day!:) and of course, i was really really glad to have to know that he looks forward of having to spend time with me!!:) imagine?.. planado! haha.. so i got really excited and all!! i really did.. i was sooo looking forward in having to be with him!!:)

When i woke up this morning!! NO TEXTS!! so okay.. his in school maybe his busy and all.. tapos he texted no load daw xa!! haha.. last night pa!! OW! that explains why he didnt reply na! haha:)) anyweiz, so there.. he said that he has no car,, and then i asked him pano kme mamaya?.. tapos he said na pahatid nlng daw kme sa driver ko sa sm. Kasi i told him na magpakita sya kela mami and dad!! kxe my dad has been saying stuff to me out of nowhere!! pero pajoke but i know its serious for him, because my dad rarely does that! i mean say something, i know that though he is joking around, deep down there, there is something about that!:) some of his sayings are..

DAD: "Oh txt ka ng txt..,, tanunging mo nga yan si empol!, ano ba gusto tlga nian!!?? papakasalan ka na daw ba nian?"
..me laughing and smiling...
DAD: "Nako bka niloloko ka lang niyan!! at sinasama ka lang sa mga listahan niyan!.. sbhin mo sknya na mabilis ako kumasa ng baril!!"
..dad agrees with tito about this!! he even reminded tito to tell me na sbhin ko daw toh pag nagkita kme ni boyfriend..
TITO:"Sbhin mo sknya, ang mga Apostol, hindi nang aagrabyado.. pero di rin tayo pumapayag ng inaagrabyado tayo! sabhin mo un ha."
.. my tito smiling!..

haha there!! haha.. anyweiz, back to my story,, sbi ko im not sure kung ay driver and all.. tapos he said na sa sm nlng kme magkita.. sbe ko!! ee... magpakita ka kela mami.. tapos hirit nya.. tom nlng daw kme alis, para diretso ng simba and my car.. tapos parang i asked why ata.. he replied with..

kxe daw TINAMAD SYA BIGLA!!!

ow!! mmy head just blew up!! i got really pissed!!! but then again i didn't show it to him!! haha!! anong tawag sken?? (MABAIT! haha) super parang ako bigla na ring nawalan ng gana!! as in!! super cold ng reply ko sbi ko

"okay, il tel dad na ndi na tayo tuloy and bka bukas na tayo umalis."

ganyan lang! no smileys.. simple as dat.. tapos the hell with him!! he replied with "okay bano.u" at smiley pa!! i didn't reply!!

Honestly, super tlgang nawalan ako ng gana..:( not just for the lakad but for our relationship..:( super nadissapoint ako.. i was so excited pa namn on seeing him and all tapos biglang ssbhin niya yun..:( muntikan na ako maiyak knina..:( no one knew about it.. i kept it all to myself.. he planned stuff tapos tinamad sya!! badtrip tlga.. super ung utak ko knina lumulutang bcoz i didn't know wat to do and all..:(

but f.y.i. when i didn't reply,, ayun,, he kept texting and asking where am i na.. and all.. tapos he also kept on making kulet.. nagpapatawa siya actually, but my replies to him was so wala lang.. as in wala lang.. kxe nga, i super got pissed tlga..:( nawalan ako ng gana.. i think he felt that i got dissapointed..

When i got home form makro(pang namalengke ako! haha) i didn't txtd him.. tapos, see.. nagtxt sya ulet kung asan na ako! haha.. sbi ko nga sa sarili ko! sna naguguilty ka!! haha!! tapos,, mga around 530 or 6 he texted

"Watch tayo movie?"
sbi ko "when? now?"
he said.. "Now na andito ung car ea."
tapos i saked sure ka na ba?"
he said "yup, sure na ako this tym.u"

so there.. he wasn't really off the hook about the tinatamad thingy sya pero sbi ko sge.. why not! haha.. so ayun,, sa sm na kme nagkita! kxe bwal daw ung car!! but then on my way there.. i tolg him na,, ay sbi ko kay dada ikaw maghahatid sken pauwe! he replied with

"wala aq car tska nakapambahay lang aq. sna cnbi m dn skn."
tapos ako tae!! errr!! cge lang.
i replied with "okay wag ka magalit. southland na ako."

tapos rigth when i was near sm na i asked him where we will meet.. tapos he replied na kunin daw niya muna kotse nya may smiley pa!:)) haha.. napasmile ako bigla!! feel ko naguguilty tong tao na toh! haha.. sbi ko buti naman!! so ayun.. nakita kme sa may bpi then went up na..

We watched ICE AGE 3!! eyey!:) soo funny...:) and yes, hugging him,, having him by my side.. smelling his perfume,, i wanted the movie to last forever..:) being there made all my worries fly away,,;) ganun ko pla sya super namiss..:( gaya nga ng post ko sa FB.. i really missed having to be with him..:( and now that i felt it again.. i got so happy!:) really really happy!!

ohh,, another situation was, on our way home we stopped by this store, kxe he was thirsty.. tapos niloloko ko xa pahingi pambili!! tapos.. parang medyo magagalit na ata sya or mababdtrip xa.. sbi niya.. "dali na. ambaho." sbi ko."okay" tapos i went out the car.. tapos sbi nung nagtitinda wala daw silang mineral water. so pumasok ako ng car. sbi ko "sa bhy ka nlng uminom." tapos.. medyo distant ako.. haha..tapos myamya.. kinuha na nya ung hand ko!! haha!! so i took it.. so hinawakan ko lang.. tapos medyo hinihila na nya.. closer to him!! naglalambing na!! see.. naguilty ulet?.. ahaha!!

One thing i love about him is that,, beyond those mean things he say, the bullying, the hot headed days he has.. i know deep down there, somewhere there, there's this cheezy part of him. The boyfriend who makes me kilig, who makes me happy.. i know he cares.. a lot.. and he loves me..:) im quite pretty sure about that..:)

HAHA. another thing to blog is that!! after the movie, we were off to MCDO to eat! when, i looked at my phone and i got a text from my dad!! saying

"ingat ka aby"

.. aww!! my dad!! i think his jelly!! haha.. yes, i think his jealous that maybe me and empol are really serious about our relationship! haha.. his worried that his little girl might get married someday! to early to say but i know and i feel that my dad is thinking about that!! haha aww.. my dad is so cute!!:) really!! his afraid, i feel it..:)

That's all for now!! i wil sleep now..:) with a smile on my face yes it is!:) ohh and also.. i caught my boyfriend kissing my head/forehead a couple of times!:) and i just love it everytime he does that.. just like the one quote i read..:)

i love the way he kisses me on the forehead because i know he does it because he wanted to.. not because he needs to..:) or something like that..:)

-A