ayoko ng maging sad.:)

Aug. 6, 2009.
I thought this day would pass with out talking to him. but when i went online.. he pmed me..

weirdopot: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=031N31B4EvM&feature=PlayList&p=2CE686BFEF61D2D3&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=3
weirdopot: huy
*ah-ah*: yup?
weirdopot: watch na lng yan para sumaya ka konti
weirdopot: na watch mo na
weirdopot: ?
*ah-ah*: yup.
weirdopot: cute no ?
*ah-ah*: yeah.
weirdopot: hirap mo naman kausapin sige wag na nga lng
*ah-ah*: what?.
weirdopot: wala .
*ah-ah*: hai. okay
weirdopot: im trying to open a conversation tas ganyan ka . kaya wag na lang .
*ah-ah*: im sorry. its just that. ang hirap kxe ng gnto ea.
weirdopot: hirap na nga ng ganito lalo mo pa pinapahirap sige next time na lng ulet
*ah-ah*: its not easy empol. super. i want to be okay with you. kaso hindi ko ata kya. kxe ang skt.
weirdopot: then dont . ako pinipilit kong kayanin ikaw hindi ?
*ah-ah*: ang hirap kxe. nagkakaron ako ng hopes. ayoko umasa. ang hirap ang skt.
*ah-ah*: hai. okay. im sorry for being cold. my bad.
weirdopot: night . may pasok ka bukas ah . tulog ka na
*ah-ah*: in a while. dba ikaw diin may pasok?
weirdopot: aaral pa ako
weirdopot: mga 12 na siguro ako tutulog or 1
weirdopot: bahala na
weirdopot: punta na ako ulet room
*ah-ah*: okay. study kna ulet para u can sleep early.

there. In the middle of this conversation, i have realized na ayoko ng maging sad.:) ayoko ng maging malungkot.:) Yes, it hurts so much, watever hapened is in the past. i have to be strong for myself. i deserve more than this.:) abby needs to smile and be happy again.:)

The things is.. i want the hurting to stop..

I want to let him go,, but im just not yet ready to give up on him. im not ready to stop holding on.. but yet, i wont hope for anything.

kung baga.. chill lang.:) haha.. SMILE lang abby!:) Like you always do.:)

Whatever happens happens.:) sbi nga sa a walk to remember..:

MAYBE GOD HAS BETTER PLANS FOR ME THAN WHAT I HAVE FOR MYSELF.:)

Abby will smile again. no more sad thoughts. happy thoughts come to me. Look at the bright side! think positive!:) and just SMILE!.:)

-A

We dont know..:(

August 1, 2009
We broke up.. While the world was crying for Cory's death.. I was crying for a broken heart.

August 2, 2009
He posted ":( i miss." on my Facebook wall.
That night he also texted..

E: still up? :c
A: (nagtxt through sun) hey, wala akong load and ngaun ko lang nkita txt mo.
E: okay. bkt parati ka nlng walang load? at bkt gcng ka pa? wala akong pangreply sa sun.
A: nagpapaantok na rin ako. hindi na ako nagpapaload sa globe kxe wala rin nmn akong ittxt ea. tska kakawala lang ng unli ko kanina. u can reply sa globe ko
E: ah okay okay. cnabi m na ba kila tia?
A: hindi pa ea. hindi k kaya.:(
E; Wag muna. D p nman tau sure n sure e. :c
A: Ang hirap kya.:c to pretend to them dat wer okay wen wer not. kanina nga inaasar pa nla ako syo ea. i just smiled.=c
E: E kase nkkhiya s knila pag cnbi m n wala na tayo ult. nakkhiya yun 4 sure d na aq magpapakita s knila kung ganun mangyare.
A:okay cge i wont tel dem muna. unless wer super sure na.
E: okay. thanks for understanding.
*talked about henry(nakita nya daw and all.. blahblah)
A: empol i dont get it=c ang labo
E: alin? bkt?
A: Us wer do i stand?. so im just waiting 4 u? to be with me or to let me go? =c
E: Hindi ko masagot kc hindi ko rn alam. I have to slip na.:c napikit n mata ko e.
A: okay:c

August 3, 2009
Everyone was asking me if there was another girl. i aid i dont think there is.. but still ang kulet nila! haha.. so i asked him for clarity.

A: Hey can i ask u something?=c
E: Anu un?
A: Do u like som1 else? or my other girl?=c
E: WALA. sobrang wala.:c
A: okay. thank u. i just wanted to know.
E: Okay. Sorry.

So there. cleared. no other girl.

August 4, 2009
Drinking day! Super i wanted to drink! my parents went home na! and super i can release it all out. first: went out with psyc friends at UM.. then met up with blardz! he treated me with ice cream! yummy!! tapos made tambay sa Mixed ave with the boys. Si migs pinainom ako 2 shots! bangag bangag na agad! kxe namn. broken heart + sad +drink =bad equation..:( then went to str8! konting drinks and nachos lang. When i went home with geyb, edj and jess.. super kwentuhan about it. ang sad..:(

Paguwe.. nagdrink kme ni edj.. sleepover sya ea.. super i wanted to let it all out. all through out the night. they wer texting. and yes, i somehow knew. but i told edj dat i dont want to hear it. kxe its just gonna give me false hopes..:(

We kept on reminiscing how happy i was back then. i showed her mny planner.. showing all the dates when we wer together.how happy i was. ung mga surprises i got from him. ung mga efforts nya for me. :( hai.. and then we got to talk about the problem. sbi ko all i wanted was him for to be sweet. un lang.. i also told her how bad i felt na he wasn't saying i love you to me lately before the break up..:( how much i missed the sweet person empol was.:( napagusapan din nmn ung simple things na super nagmemean ng laht.. ung hugs na super nagpapaokay ng laht.. na how much it means when he kisses you in the forehead. na when he whispers "i love you" out of nowhere.. super it means a lot.. sbi ko rin na.. alam mo un.. kht feel mo na love ka nya.. super ang laki ng difference when you tell her and you remind her that yu love her..:( lahat un.. super namimiss ko about him..:(

When we were drinking na. he texted me.

E: Hinay hinay lang sa inom ah...
(i didnt reply.. sbi ko wala akong load. so si edj nalng nagtxt) mya mya he texted again.
E: Lasingera hinay lang ha. Im gona sleep na. Nyt.

dito ata pumasok ung sbi ko.. how much it means to me when he calls me baby..:( oo kay lang skn na he calls me bano, abnoy, kxe makulit.. pero alam mo un. when he calls me baby its like his telling me that he needs me..:( and yes, i miss the way he calls me baby..:( i super miss it..:( cried that night super..:( and ung nagstruck sken na sinabi ni edj is..

"What if hindi niya na kayang ibalik ung gusto mo from him?.. maybe bka ka niya nilet go kxe alam niya sa sarili nia na hindi niya na kayang abalik ung sweetness na hinahanap mo. Pero un nga, nagawa niya nuon.. bkt hindi ngaun?.."

I cried super..:( what if nga ganun..:(

August 5, 2009
When we woke up.. edj told me na empol txted her. sbi ko okay nlng.. when edj left.. super i cried on her shoulders.. kxe super it hurts tlga..:(( tapos hinug niya lang ako.. sbi niya pagisipan ko daw.. and i have to be strong for myself..:(

Out of nowhere.. nagpm sya sken:

weirdopot (8/5/2009 9:49:21 PM): wat time ka na natulog kagabi
*ah-ah* (8/5/2009 9:49:51 PM): 1.30? 2? not sure
weirdopot (8/5/2009 9:49:55 PM): ok
weirdopot (8/5/2009 10:07:38 PM): anjan pa ba si rej sa bahay mo ?
*ah-ah* (8/5/2009 10:08:00 PM): she left na. kaninag around 3 pa
weirdopot (8/5/2009 10:08:07 PM): ah okay .
weirdopot: you want to talk ?
*ah-ah*: about what?
weirdopot: so d mo alam kung anu pag uusapan naten dapat ?
weirdopot: sige wag na lng .
*ah-ah*: im just asking about what. marami kayang pwedeng pagusapan.
weirdopot: sige nga sabihin mo saken yung "madame"
*ah-ah*: ewan ko.. we can talk about us. skul? friends? i dont know.
weirdopot: y do u think na kelangan naten pag usapan ang skul and friends ngayun ?
*ah-ah*: i dont know. im just saying lang nmn ea
weirdopot: okay . i think now is not the time para mag usap tayo .
weirdopot: im asking you if u want to talk tas d mo alam dapat naten pag usapan . sige aral na ako ulet
*ah-ah*: empol. i dont get you sobra.. :(
weirdopot: okay explain ko sayo ng maayos ha para naman gets mo
weirdopot: una . nag kalabuan tayo . nag cool off tayo . nag break tayo . so anu sa tingin mo kelangan naten pag usapan ?
weirdopot: friends paren at skul ?
*ah-ah*: okay sige. then lets talk about us. pwede mo nmn istraight na sbhin na pagusapn ntn ung tayo dba. hindi ung parang nagglit kna agad dian
weirdopot: tingnan mo tinanong nga kta e . tapos d mo alam kung anu dapat naten pag usapan . hindi ngayon ang oras para mag usap tayo
*ah-ah*: er.. okay.
weirdopot: redj told me that ur drinking and crying kagabi .
weirdopot: abby matalino ka , d mo dapat ginagawa yang mga bagay na yan
*ah-ah*: empol. i know, im better than that. but im hurt. i dont want to keep it all inside. and besides ive been holding it all in hangang khapon lang. kahapon ko lang un nalabas lht.
*ah-ah*: kxe these past few days i needed to be strong and just smile for my parents.
weirdopot: okay . pero kelangan bang uminom at magpakalasing ?
*ah-ah*: hindi nman ako super nagpakalasing ea. super i just want it all out
weirdopot: so nalabas mo na lahat ?
*ah-ah*: i dont know. maybe. maybe not
weirdopot: okay . to tell you the truth . i want to end this na .
weirdopot: i want to let you go .
weirdopot: pero there's a part of me na ayaw kang bitawan .
weirdopot: pero honestly i want you to be happy . mas masasaktan ka kasi pag tinuloy naten . pero im not sure . kahit ako naguguluhan
*ah-ah*: maybe should let me go na
weirdopot: is that what you want
*ah-ah*: i dont know. i really dont know. but it hurts so much
weirdopot: kahit ako nasasaktan din .
weirdopot: if you're not sure bket sinasabi mong kelangan na kita i let go ?
*ah-ah*: i dont know. coz as much as it hurts to let you go, its much harder to hold on for nothing. :(
weirdopot: dont assume na ur holding for nothing .
weirdopot: kasi hindi nawawala feelings ko for you
weirdopot: go ahead ask redj. wer texting kagabi until kaninang umaga
weirdopot: i super care for you . im telling her what to do . :(
*ah-ah*: empol i dont know na. :( im super hurting. ang sktskt na tlga.:((
weirdopot: ako rin nasasaktan abby . kasi mahal na mahal kita ayaw kita pakawalan . pero gusto ko rin kasi nasasktan ka na sa nangyayare saten
*ah-ah*: i feel the same way. i dont want to let you go coz i still love you. so much. and i just really want to go back. but we cant., i just want the hurting the stop. and i think na mahirap nmn na ipilit ntng ayusin kung alam ntng walang mangyayari.
weirdopot: what do you mean by we cant go back to each other ?
*ah-ah*: i want to go back to the way we used to be. happy. pero parang ang hirap e
weirdopot: and why is that
weirdopot: bat sa tingin mo mahirap
*ah-ah*: i dont know. :(
*ah-ah*: sbi sken ni edj.. wat if yung gusto ko from you hindi mo na mabalik..i mean. i want the old you back. and she said. wat if hindi mo na kya ibalik un.. parang ganuun.. ewan ko ang gulo. :(
weirdopot: oo i understand redj
weirdopot: kasi pag naging tayo ulet . mag kakaron na ng gap between us . :(
weirdopot: parang mag kakaron na ng doubt at mag aalinlanangan na
*ah-ah*: un din ung sbi ko kay edj. na parang everytime nlng siguro na magiging super happy tayo ulet. hindi ko maalis sken na matakot na bka bukas or the next day after that. ur gonna be confused again. and thats gonna be hard for me.
weirdopot: i know :((
weirdopot: sorry kung nasasaktan kita .
weirdopot: d ko sinasadya to
*ah-ah*: i dont know wat to say.:(
*ah-ah*: empol, let me go na.:(
weirdopot: is that what you really want ?
BUZZ!!!
*ah-ah*: honestly, i dont know. :(
weirdopot: so why do you keep on telling me to let you go
*ah-ah*: kxe nafefeel ko un ung gusto mo.:(
weirdopot: hindi ko gusto
*ah-ah*: then wat do you want?
weirdopot: i dont know .
weirdopot: gusto ko maging tayo ulet . gusto ko rin i let go ka
*ah-ah*: but we need to make a choice. we have to decide. kxe the more we keep on holding on the more its gonna hurt.
weirdopot: okay but do we need to decide now na agad ?
*ah-ah*: i dont know :(
weirdopot: wala ka ba class bukas
weirdopot: late na ah .
*ah-ah*: i have.
*ah-ah*: u shud be going na. i know its your midterms.
weirdopot: oh sleep na late na masyado
*ah-ah*: you shud be studying.
weirdopot: eh ikaw bat d ka pa matutulog
*ah-ah*: i cant sleep din ea. and may gagawin pa ako. u go ahead. im gonna be fine.
weirdopot: anu pa gagawin mo
*ah-ah*: chem journal. i want to start it na today so that hindi ko toh maxado maisip.
weirdopot: ok ok
*ah-ah*: magaral ka na.
weirdopot: tapos na
*ah-ah*: okay. sleep na. i know ur early pa tom
weirdopot is typing a message.
weirdopot: okay . nyt
*ah-ah*: nyt

ang skt..:( im lost.. how can this be happening..:( wer both hurting. and we dont want to let go of each other..:( bkt ganun...:( ang skt tlga..:( how.. i was talking to geyb.. and this words from him struck me..:( its true.. very true..:(

Gabriel Yumol: wht can u say to fix a relationship thats been great.. only to fade away suddenly?

-A

Drift away..:(

E: Huy bano cool off parn tyo? :c
E: Usap n tyo.

*i didnt have load. nakitxt ako sa kaptid ko.

A: hey, i dont have load. i dont know.:c

*nagpaload ako..

A: There, wat now?:c
E: Gusto m pa i2loy?
A: I2loy ang ano?
E: Relationsip ntn.
A: Kung ako tatanungin mo, oo and sagot q. E ikaw, gus2 mo pa bng i2loy to?
E: Feel ko kc lalo ka at tayo masasaktan pag nangyare ult to e.
A: I know. Can i just ask? Kung bkt k confused?
E: I dont know. I promise d ko lam kung bkt?
A: Hindi q kxe magets ea, wer super ok. den bgla kng macoconfuse out of nowhere. hindi q maintindihn kung bkt k ngkkgnyan.:c nagsasawa ka na b?
E: I know. :c kc parang may part skn na nag ssbing wag ko n i2loy kc masasaktan k lang. Meron dn n gusto kong i2loy. sbi nila bka daw nagsasawa na ako kya gn2 aq.
A: Empol, kung ayaw mo na wag na ntn ii2loy. wag n ntng iplt.
E: E pano kung mali magng dcsyon ntn. lets say na d na natn i22loy to. Pero bka kc mali e. Bka may way pa para kayanin to.
A: Wala naman skn un ea, nasasayo. Ang skt skt na.=,c
E: So ano nga pano pag maling d na ntn i2loy panu n?
A: Hindi q alam. =c
E: Pwede prn ntn itry kung mali dba? :c
A: =,c
E: D m cnagot
A: Hindi q alam.=c cguro. Ewan q. =c
E: Okay. Sna ung gagawn ntn n to makaka buti 4 d both of us.
A: So wer breaking up na?.
E: Ewan d ko tlga alam. Ayaw na kta masaktan.
A: Maybe this is 4 d better, im letting u go
E: Wat if mali to.
A: Hindi q alam. Hindi q tlga alam
E: Kung mali to. Pipilitin kong maayos ntn. :c
A: I dont know wat to say
E: Please say something kc hindi ko to kaya mag isa. kung wala ka masabi cguro nga tama to. Kung ganyan ka parati. wala nga patutunguhan to.
A: Empol, it hurts. Super.=c and sktskt.=c i didnt want dz to happen but i gues its d only way.=c my parents are hr, and i dont want dm to c me crying like dz. im hurting sobra..=,c
E: Yun na nga e. Im asking f kung mali to pwede pa b ntn maayos to. Pero d m ko cnagot. Gusto kong itama to .
A: Okay, cguro kung mali to , we cn try to fx dz again. but i really think u need 2 think about wat u really want. =c ang sktskt 2 know na wer super ok, and d next day ur confused. =,c
E: Yan lang inaantay ko. Kung mali to ill do my best para magng tama ult.
A: okay.=c
E: Im sorry abby.:c kaw paren abnoy ko. :c

I didnt reply na..:( ang sktskt..:( super..:( but i think it really is for the better. if we try to fix this.. i know for sure na this will happen again. mahirap ipilt. kxe masasaktan lang ako ulet. ayun. its official.. im single. again. oh well.. ang skt tlgaaaa..:( still crying..:,(

watch this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4nVhAVIMtic&feature=channel#

*read every line of the lyrics..
LYRICS:
Try to make sense of it all
we turn one way and turn away again
Wondering if it's gonna fall
Will we never make it to the end
Were we the start of something great
Were u the only one to shake
The only way i thought that we would go
Did we really put it all at stake
And how do we deal with dreams of could've beens
And lives that we could live
Will you ever see me in that light again
Or will we drift away
Drift away, far away from
Questions we may ask
And doors that we have never opened
Drift away, far away from
Everything we had
walk the road not taken
Drift away, far away from me
Drift away

Will we turn and say goodbye
will we run and say hello again
see the glow deep in your eyes
Will it ever feel the same again
Can we heal the damage done
finally find our place in the sun
Something told me you could be the one
The only one to set me free

-A