lost feeling..

"And I-I-I'm in Love.. And I-I-I'm terrified for the first time and the last time in my only life..♥"

Why is it that when we fall in love it comes to a point where we get scared?.. where we get terrified..? and come to think of it.. we shouldn't be.. But that's the thing about being in a relationship and falling in love.. when you love someone, you just don't love the good stuff.. but you must learn how to love the whole package that comes with it.. and it's all about staying through the good and bad times.. Easy to say but hard to do..

The hardest part of being in love is when you start feeling unappreciated, when you start to feel that you're being ignored, the feeling that you're not needed any more.. the feeling when it seems like he doesn't care anymore. I've been there so many times.. and it's really hard to have all that faith in him when he makes you feel this way..

Today is March 14 already.. somewhere along the road i lost track of this entry.. and up until now.. i see myself still on the same road.. This morning i posted a quote on my tumblr from my favorite series.. oth..

“We go days without having a meaningful conversation. And, I used to miss you so much when that happened, but it never seemed like you missed me, and I guess because of it I stopped missing you.”

— One Tree Hill

It's what i'm feeling right now..:( sad to say but it is..:( i dont know why.:( it feels like i got tired of being strong.. i got tired of always understanding.. i know he is making an effort.. but somehow i'm feeling its not enough..:( sometimes i miss him so much and i do want to talk to him.. but everytime i do.. he pushes me around. bullies me.. its alright with me naman ea.. pero sana not always.:( i really hate it when he pushes me around.. i know he's just fooling around but sometimes its just really too much.. sometimes just knowing the fact that he'll just push me around makes me stop and think twice on talking to him.. because its like he doesnt care.. err.. im lost.. and i dont know where i stand.. i know i love him.. but i i've been feeling this way for about a couple of weeks now.. after a few weeks of not seeing each other, he finally finds the time to see me for an hour or so.. and i know its enough for me.. but when he leaves.. i always feel that there's something missing.. may kulang.. there's no long lasting feeling anymore..:( i missed that.. the way i used to feel so happy everytime we part ways.. how magical it made me feel to have him loving me.. but now i seem to have lost that feeling..:(

-A

At Random.

HAPPY!! VERY!!..:)

Who ever knew that we can be this happy again.? finding comfort in him.. finding my happy place in his arms was everything that made everything so well. I missed the feeling of being with him.. being able to be loved by him.. and most specially being happy with him.. like nothing else matters but us. and hoping that it wont end. but sometimes i find myself wandering how long this will last? how long we will be this magical? how long can we keep it up?..

Last night i started reading(thanks to apple niedo!:)) Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.. It has been a long time that i have been looking for this book, and last wednesday waffle gave me an ebook copy of it. BUT I STILL REALLY REALLY WANT A HARD COPY OF THIS..:D Anyways, Introduction plang NAIYAK na ko..:) haha!! i dont know why,, but the intro was something that's really true.. in a middle of fight.. a hug.. a kiss.. a really really tight hug would make everything go away..

quoted from the book: She said, "John Gray, you're a fair -weather friend! As long as I'm sweet, loving Bonnie you are here for me, but as soon as I'm not, you walk right out that door."..

I find this line very true. why is it that when we are loving or must i say both of us our loving and sweet.. We tend to stay.. but once we blow our fuse, we fight, we contradict, we ALL try to walk away. and just say that we're not compatible. its simple as that.. and another line from the book that answers this one is..

"Love is magical, and it can last, if we remember our differences."

again, very true!:) LOVE is truly magical.. It sweeps us all from our feet and sometimes out of no reason at all we smile, because amidst everything we go thru everyday, its knowing that someone that we love is loving us back. And nothing can get better than that..:) That's the difference when you're single and in a relationship. Being single: you wake up finding the courage to face everyday by yourself, but being in a relationship: you wake up smiling, cause you know no matter what happens thru your day there's someone out there loving you and who'll be with you in everything you do..:)

Jan 8, it's our supposedly 20th monthsary.. I guess, its still considered that we are in our 20th.. cause i know we didn't stop loving each other.. maybe we just stopped showing it for a while because of all the pain and distance that we felt.. but what matters most is behind all that we really didn't stop loving.

And then again, i know one day, it will come a time that all these cheeziness and sweetness would not really fade away, but will be lessen. I know it will come, and honestly, im scared of that day. I want everything to stay like this forever. but it just can't..:( but one thing i know, everything might be lesser from what it was before, but his love for me wouldn't change. i hope so.:) oh well, i trust him.:) i love him so much, that i'm afraid to lose him again. and also i am so afraid to show him and always tell him that i love him..:( it's because i'm afraid he'd take it for granted..:( i know i shouldn't be thinking about this..:( but i can't help myself.. i love him i do.. very much.. and i hope he sees that.. i hope he knows the meaning of how much i love him..:(

I'm scared, and i know nothing can take this away, i just have to be strong and have faith in him. have faith in us. and just hope that everything that happened and will happen is for a reason..:) For now, come what may.. I'm happy, day by day something changes but who could stop change? we can only go with its flow and accept it..:)

-A

im happy.. and bottomline.. its all that matters right?..:)

They say that dreams are our deepest desires. That our dreams are the desires of our unconsciousness or maybe, just maybe they warn us of what is bound to happen?..

Dec. 4 & 5..

knowing he has a new girl.. I admitted to a couple of my friends dat im scared dat dey will work out.. i dont know why.. im not bitter or anything.. but i was scared dat if they worked out wat we had would just be nothing to him..:(

Dec. 7.. Dream 1

dec 6, night fall, i had a dream. We were in a comp lab and i was with my friends.. Theo by my side using the pc.. I was browsing the net and poof.. he came to me sat by my side and talked to me. so while he was talking i just ignored him. he said.."Sa tingin mo ba porket my new girl na ako.. wala na akong pakialam.. Sa tingin mo ba, kapag my girlfriend na ako, i wouldnt care anymore.." and when i was about to cry in my dream i woke up.. saaaaaaaaaaaaaaddd..:(

I was soooo spooked about my dream.. its been so long that i have dreamt of him.. and the most weird part about my dream was, i guess it was what wanted for him to tell me, that eventhough he now has a new girl, what we had was still special and he appreciated all of it..

Dec. 8.. Dream 2.

Again, I dreamt of him.. this time, i was online and then he buzzed me and pmed me pssst.. i just said why? then he said.. "wala lang..:)" then i woke up.. errr!! super i didnt know why i was dreaming this kind of things.. until then, that morning during my chem class.. he texted me.. He said he wanted to talk.. That he has a lot of things to tell me.. I was actually had no plans of replying but my friend ,Marie insisted that i should reply. So there we agreed that he'd pick me up 6pm and then he would give me a ride home.. so there.. I asked Marie what she thinks he will tell me.. She said maybe, he just wants clearance too before he pushes through with the new girl.. That maybe he also wanted what i wanted. clearance between us. So, i was preparing myself for what he would say.. That he just wanted closure and clearance.. I found myself wanting that to happen, but a part of me still hoped that he'll want me back. but i was telling myself that would not happen.

That night, i tried to be strong and wanted to put to my face that he now has a new girl and he just really wanted to talk to me about closure. but then when i saw his profile.. his stat was "AKO NA SI PIGGY DATI, AT GUSTO KONG MAGING SI PIGGY ULET." with that, i didnt know what to feel. i didnt know what emotion i should feel. a part of me said it was too late, but another part was thanking God for making him realize that. so, that night, i super duper didnt know what to do. and what to feel.

Dec. 8,

This was the day i would have to face him.. When before our histciv class, tiff talked to me.. She said that they talked and stuff.. After persef class, he picked me up at southgate.. So, i was waiting for him to talk to me.. but nothing, just pep talks.. when we were in evacom almost near my house, he said that he read my blog.. i was soo shocked that he read it, because one, he doesnt know that i have one. 2nd, my feelings are all here.. so i didnt know how he knew about it, but he said he just accidentally found it google. He said he read my Dec. 3 blog, but i forgot na about what i said back then. so he said that i should read it again and that i text hm after i do so.

I read it again.. and there was a comment, saying that maybe he's not happy with the girl and stuff.. the he txted me.. saying that he was so shy to talk to me because now he knows how much pain he had cost me.. we talked that nigh from texts to facebook inbox messages. I was so relieved that now he knows what i felt.. and i told him all my concerns in taking this chance again.. but i think he was decided that this time IT WILL BE DIFFERENT.

Then the rest will be history..:)

Dec. 21,

We have been spending a couple time together and it seems like its never enough.. because its like he wants to make up for all the times we lost.. i can say that this time IT IS DIFFERENT.. HE IS DIFFERENT. at first i wasn't so sure that it was what i wanted.. that i was happy again.. but then, i found my way back to him.. eventually, i found myself smiling the way i used too.. I guess, i was just really scared that it will be just the same as before, that he'll leave me again.. but this time, i really felt he wanted it.. i felt that not only that he wanted it, but he wanted me back in his life.. Everything happened so fast.. but every little thing that happened in that small span of time was something that not only made me happy.. but it made us happy.. He started to do all those little things again.. and with that he made me feel that he wanted it too as much as i do..

One more thing, i know a lot of people are confused and worried and feels that im wrong to give him another chance, after everything he did to me. But for me, its still my decision to make.. and i dont want to regret something just because i felt that my friends are right or something. I know in making this decision, if everything fails again, im the only one to blame.. but what if it works out.. who am i to say it wont?.. who are they to say it wont?. all i know is that. as of right now, im happy here.. and whatever they say..

im happy.. and bottomline.. its all that matters right?..:)

-A