Pain & Pleasure

Enough is enough. There will come a time when the heart stops hoping that there will be something to look forward too; when the heart gives up on the one thing it wouldn't want to lose.

I admit i have been so stupid to trust him again.. Nov 12.. He txted me.. if i wanted to watch new moon.. i didnt reply.. he txted me again.. d ko daw ba sya kakausapin.. i didnt reply.. he called.. i didnt answer. i went online.. and in my inbox i have a new message.. and this was what it said..

"please here me out.

abby, i want to change. clear na sa utak ko na hindi ko kaya na wala ka. :( usap tayo please? gusto ko sana lumabas tayo pero u didnt reply. :( if kelanagan kita ligawan ulit to prove na im worthy for your love gagawin ko ulet :("

and then he texted me again.. kausapin ko namn daw daw xa.. i didnt reply to any of these.. because i wanted to know on how serious he was about this..:| and just beause ive heard it all before.. all those im gonna fix this shit and all.. i was planning to text him the next day if he decides to contact me again.. but then nothing.. Nov. 14, he texted me again.. so i replied and we talked.. and he said to me the Nth time that he's willing to fix everything.. and so i told him.. please do this because you want to be with me.. because you're ready to face problems with me again.. and that you wont leave me hanging again.. He replied.. he said.."ALAM KO KYA KO NGA GUSTO IWORK OUT RELATIONSHIP NATN." so i said.. "okay, PROVE to me that yo deserve this chance.." and after that nothing. around 9:30 that night he txted.. he ran out of credits daw tapos.. wala daw mom niya kya d sya makashare.! so sabi ko lang. okay tahnk you for telling me.. goodnyt.. the next day.. nothing.. it was the pacquiao game day.. i know he would be watching.. so he did.. after the game.. he txted me.. wala pa rin daw siyang load and free txt lang gmt niya and he's home from watching the game.. sbi ko lang okay.. after that I HAVEN'T HEARD FROM HIM SINCE...

ITs been almost 8 days and still nothing.. ym's? inbox messages? fb posts?.. nothing.. as if nothing happened.. and lately.. he has been posting these cheezy status in FB about being in love and all..

And I have assumed that he has a new girl now.. err.. i dont regret giving him another chance.. i dont regret any of it.. i just hate the fact that he CAN'T BE MAN ENOUGH TO FACE ME and tell me to my face that he will stop or he is starting to fall for another.. at least i wont be hoping na he'll fix it.. i at least deserve that explanation right?

I have loved him so much that giving him every chance i could was something that kept me hold on tighter to him. but how many chances do we get before we finally make it right?.. lesson learned here.. every chance.. every opportunity.. we should take it seriously.. because every time we fail or we take it for granted.. something is lost.. TIME.. and time.. we cant go back to it.. we cant save it.. what is now, will be gone in a while..

Today, im giving up every bit of chance.. im closing my windows and doors for him... the pain has become to much to bear.. that i dont know if i still love him.. but one thing im sure of.. i dont need him in my life anymore.. that's reality.. a fact now..

and one question.. when you guys hurt us.. do you know the depth of pain that you have inflicted upon us?.. yes you know you've hurt us.. but do you know how much it hurts?.. do you know how much we would go through for what we want..? do you know how much pain we would endure to have that feeling of happiness?.. how much we would go for or hope for that little bit of happiness?.. i am so amazed on how a girl can give up everything to make things work.. when some guys take them for granted.. ignore it.. and dont even think of what we feel.. wait.. to be clear im saying SOME guys..

In every girl's heart is that pureness of love and hope for happiness that someday she will get.. in time.. she will be the girl who will get that boy and that love she deserves.. and that girl would be ME..

-A

HOTHOTHOT!!!

JACOB BLACK YOU ARE SO HOT!!

BE MINE!! :b~

-A

because i know i deserrve to be happy..

I've been going through a tough month lately..its because we tried and failed anf tried and failed to make things work.. and this past few week i've finally decided to really let it go.. because i know that no matter how much i love him.. no matter how much i want to be with him.. I deserve someone better.. someone who will treat me the way i shud be treated..i dont know where to start.. because its too painfull.. so ill just copy paste wat we talked about... Last weekend he asked for another chance.. because he tolm me na "pinagsisisihan na da niya lahat ng nagawa niya sken".. i guess for making me cry and all.. na super inaamin niya na nagkamali daw sya ng todotodo.. exact words.. so, because i love him..i said that this will be the last chance.. but again,, he blew it off.. he slacked off.. and until it came to the point na for one whole day he didnt txt me.. not even once. the next day, i saw an offline message from him, saying his phone was missing somewhere.. i didnt reply.. because i was so pissed off.. he didnt even try to let me know that his phone was lost that very same nyt he lost it.. when i didn't reply. i think he got pissed too.. so he left me a message in my inbox in facebook.. so here goes the conversation went from a day sentto day basis.. like.. i replied today.. he'll reply tomorow.. parang ganun.. The first message he sent was written on Oct. 31,sat.. read it around 10am.. so my last message was written on Nov 4, and after that he didnt even reply.. and i havent heard from him since then..

X: bat ganun nag sasabi naman ako sayo na wala akong phone ngayun. tapos di ka man lng nag reply sakin. hindi ko alam kung natangap mo yung message ko. tapos ngayun yung iba nakikipag kwentuhan ka pa d2 sa facebook. yung sakin kahit "OKAY" man lng na reply wala ka. ayus.

Abby: empol.. alamo hindi kita maintindihan.. gaya ng snbi ko sayo sa text ko.. na hindi ka nmn nagreply.. it took you a whole day to tell me na nawalan ka ng phone.. nung umaga mo nlng sinbi.. alamo bang the whole day before i was waiting every minute na sana sana sana man lang magtxt ka. kht isang beses lang.. na "oy, nasa bahay na ako, nawala ung phone ko. d muna kita mttxt." o kya nung umaga na.. "oy papasok na ako, mageenrol na ako".. alamo ung ganun. super okay na un sken. hinintay mo pa na mag umaga at mag ol ka bgo mo sbhin sken.. and you didnt even say sorry.. sorry in a sense na hindi ka nagparamadam. hindi mo ba naiisip na naghihintay ako?.. na ung tumatakbo sa isip ko nung mga panahon na un.. "bkt kya hindi na xa nagttxt.. siguro kxe wala na tlga xang pakialam or d nya na ako tlga naalala." yun yung nasa isip ko.. super naiinis ako.. kxe ung man lang iparamdam mo skn na u care about me. hindi mo magawa. do you even know wats happening to my life? do you even know kung asan ako ngaun? wala kang alam dba?! kxe u dont even care to ask. kxe u just dont care anymore!!!!! i tried to reach out to you.. coz u said i was so unfair na pinipigalan ko ung feelings ko.. i tried.. and wat happened to you.. you slacked off.

X: sorry kung ganyan nararamdaman mo. hindi naman sa nawawalan ako ng gana or kung feeling mo na i dont care na sayo. pero hindi naman totoo yun e. kaya naman ako di nakapag sorry sayo agad kasi nauna yung feeling ko na parang nag seselos ako. kasi sa mga friends mo nag rereply ka. eh sakin hindi :( sobrang sorry kasi ganun ako sayo. pero sana maintindihan mo din ako. alam kong maling mali ako. im so sorry baby :( PLEASE DONT GIVE UP ON US. kasi ako hindi ako nag gigive up. ayokong mawala ka. :( sana habang binabasa mo to mapatawad mo ko. kasi ayoko talagang dumating sa point na bibitiw ka na sakin. pero sa tingin ko dahil sa mga ginagawa ko dadating din tayu sa point na yun e. pero sana wag mangyare yun. alam ko maling mali ako, ill try to change, rather ILL CHANGE, para maging masaya ulit tayong dalawa. :(

Abby: ilang beses na ba yang ill try to change na yan!! empol alamo ba.. gustong gusto kong magalit sayo!! im super mad at you!! but i just cant. kxe alam ko na deep inside of me.. i still want us to work.. pero ilan pang chances ang kelangan mo, na in d end i have to give up on you bgo mo ayusin tlga.. ako pagod na pagod na akong umasa na u will change.. alam ko nmn, and tangap ko na hindi nmn ganun kadali ibalik ung dati.. dats why inaayos ko rin ung sarili ko for us.. pero wat happned. you slacked off agen.. you had 3 months of chances to fix us empol.. 3 months.. hangang kelan mo ittry!! HOW MANY MORE LAST CHANCES WILL I GIVE YOU BAGO MO TLGA AYUSIN!!!! i told you last chance na toh.. but wat did you do. i tot for a change na tlgang aayusin mo na.. pero wat happnd.. feel ko kxe ur too assured na i will always be here for you ea.. na iniisip mo na maiintindhan nmn kita ea.. pero pagod na ako..

magseselos ka sa friends ko?? pano pa akoo??.. sa tingin mo hindi ako nagseselos sa friends mo??.. na kht snsbi mo sken na ur going to fix us.. you still have loads of time to spend with them.. and skn u dont even try to seee me.

mahal pa rin kita.. and alam ko na gusto ko paring maayos toh.. pero pagod na akong ipakita un.. pagod na akong umasa sa wala.. pagod na akong umasa na ur going to fix it. pagod na pagod na ako empol..

*by the way nakita kita sa town kanina. we almost crossed paths pero i think hindi mo ako nakita.

X: im sorry kung napapagod ka na. ako rin naman pagod na ako sa ganito. kahit ako hindi ko alam kung bkt everytime na gusto ko ayusin problems naten hindi ko magawa. i want to give my best para ipakita sayo na mahal kita. :( pero minsan hindi ko alam ang dahilan kung baket ako nag kakaganito.

sa tingin ko ako naman ngayon ang kelangan ng time and space. hindi ko sinasabi na antayin mo ko. hindi ko sinasabi na isarado mo ung door mo sa ibang tao. kung umayos na lahat sa utak ko kung ano gusto ko talaga sasabihin ko sayo. pero now siguro kelangan ko talaga ng time. hindi ko alam kung aantayin mo ako. hindi ko alam kung kelan ako magiging ready na ulet. pero sana maintindihan mo :(

I LOVE YOU pero hindi ko maipakita or maparamdam sayo :(

Abby: i think ur right. we both need it. time and space.. hindi ko na alam kung anong gusto ko. kxe super nangingiibabaw ung pain.:( i want to say that im gonna weyt, na ill be here.. pero i dont want you to be assured kxe alam ko if ur not gonna be afraid to lose me, wala ding mangyayari.. kxe assured ka na andito ako ea..

empol,, let me go na.. and im letting you go na rin.. for real..:( its hard but i guesss its the best thing that we shud do.. i tried to make things work.. but i guess it wasnt enough.. because i needed you there with me..

nga pla, ive decided.. lets stop talking to each other nlng muna.. until you find wat really is that you want.. bitter na ako kung bitter, its just really painful..:( im sorry. i have to let you go..

X: hindi ko ma gets gusto mo e. inaayus ko pa yung utak ko. tapos u said d mo alam kung mag aantay ka pa or hindi na. tapos sa dulo sasabihin mo u'll let go of me na.

HA? di ko ma gets. ano ba talaga. kahit ba humingi ako sayo ng time and space wala din effect yun kasi ull let go of me na ? ganun ba yun ? di ko gets e.

Abby: all im saying is dat.. let go mo na ako ngaun.. kxe i cant spend my life waiting for the time na ako ung piliin mo.. pano kung hindi un ung mangyari..:( i want to be happy empol,, so let me be.. im not saying dat im giving up all my hopes for us.. but i need you to prove to me dat i deserve you.. i dont know how ur gonna do dat.. but im tired of waking up each day, every day, hoping dat today will be the day dat ull decide to come back..

take ur time.. think about wat you really want.. im letting you go in the sense na.. AYOKO NG UMASA everyday habang nagiisip ka pa, na in the end tayo pa rin.. na babalik ka.. if you decide to come back and prove to me na tayo tlga.. den okay.. then maybe its meant to be.. but if you dont come back.. at least im starting to move on..

i cant get stranded here.. habang ur figuring things out.. unfair for me un.. i have always been here waiting for you to figure things out.. and where did it get me.. wala dba.. i dont want to be stuck here anymore..:( pagod na ko magemote.. pagod na ako magisip everyday why you just cant make it work.. why you just cant be that person i fell in love with 2 years ago.. or why you just cant make me feel kht man lang yung you care for me..:( i need to find my way back again..

Alamo, mahal na mahal na mahal pa rin kita. sobra.. pero im saying to you now.. its gonna be hard to win me back.. pakipot na kung pakipot.. pero uve hurt me too much and i dont know when or how i will be able to trust my heart with you again.. im not saying na i cant trust you again.. im just saying na YOU NEED TO PROVE TO ME THAT I CAN BE ABLE TO DO THAT WITH YOU AGAIN...

SHOW me that you're not just saying that you want me back.. that its not just words.. but show it too me.. make me feel that i deserve you.. PROVE IT TO ME. Dont make me believe that you can, because you say you will fix it, when you wont.

I need to be strong.. I want to be strong for myself.. i know i did everything to make things work.. but i cant do it on my own.. and i think its time for me to move forward.. because he had all the chances to fix it but he just screws up everytime he says he will.. it hurts everyday knowing he can but he just wont fix it.. i need to be happy.. because i know ideserve to be happy.. We all have a choice in everything... im choosing to let go.. and find my happiness again.. because i wont settle for this.. because i know that i deserve more..

Today, is Nov. 8.. i miss him.. i still do.. :( sometimes its hard for me to not remember all the things he did for me to make me happy.. and i just cant imagine or figure out wat happened.. i guess ill never get to know the answer to that.. because even he does not know the answer to that.. all i know is that.. he can be a better man for me.. but i guess.. its just not me.. that will make him a better man.. and for now, im moving forward and starting a new beggining..:)♥

-A