moving forward

Aug. 12, 2009
I went to mass that our org was sponsoring for the said term. So i went there, talked to god heart to heart. I said dat, maybe he has reasons why he gave me empol.. because he wants me to happy.. and there's also a reason why his taking him away(parang nmty ea noh? haha.. WAG NMN!) so ayun.. maybe he wants me to be strong. and right before the mass ended he texted..

sbi niya usap us..

so after the closing. i replied. i said that

okay wat are we gonna talk about.

then he replied with

Gusto ko personal ea. mamaya nlng kila theo.

kaso the thing is. i wont be going na. zarah wont be going and ayoko nmn pumunta magisa.. so ayun he kept asking why i wouldn't be going na and all.. so ayun..t apos hangang he said na..

sa sat na ung libing.

sbi ko

i dont know if i can come. cguro kung pupunta sila(gstns) then bka pumunta ako.. pero ewan ko pa rin. bhla na..

so ayun.. then he didt reply.. so ayun.. sbi ko sa sarili ko. ayoko magexpect. pero i guess from the moment he said na he wanted to talk to me personally i expected na tlga..:( i cant help it because i still do love him still..:( so much..:( so ayun.. so sbi ko bhla xa.. that same nyt.. nagonline xa.. pmed him.. and this is how our conversation went.

A: hey
E: yo
(matagal ako bgo nagreply)
E: kung may ssbhin po pki sbi nila.. papasok na akong room nilalamok na ako dito.
A: haha. ayun. wat wer we suppose to talk about.
E: wala wala.
E: Nagbago na isip ko..:)
A: oww.. ok
E: ok
A: nagbago?
E: oo
E: change
E: nagbago
A: ahh. okay
E: ok

and then i cried. super cried. kxe still deep in me.. i still hoped na he wanted me back..:( tapos biglang ganun.. nagbago! WTH tlga!! nakkainis.. at that point in time.. super nainis tlga ako!! why can't he just make up his mind if he wants to be with me or not dba!! bkt hindi niya maisip un at mkpgdecide na.. un lang nmn ea.. super i cried then i told edj and geyb, na

i feel na maybe he still wants me to want him back. he wants me to show him that i still want to be with him.

and edj thinks so too.. but i guess. im tired of showing him how much i really do love him.:( sbi ko nga sknila..

ngaun ko lang naramdaman na nakakapagod pla tlga magmahal..:(

and i meant it.. i am tired of showing him that i love him..:( but i still do..:(

Aug 13, 2009
I am pushing myslef to move forward.. no more expectations abby please!! no more.. uve been hurting so much!! no more of this crying and all!! you have to be strong and be happy for yourself.. And just when the night was about to end.. he texted me.. Friends said that i shudn't talk to him na.. i shudn't reply if he txts me..:( but no.. ndi ko kaya..:( i still replied.. sbi ko.. i need to here wat he wants to say.. and it is up to me if i would make myself hope or i would be strong and just talk with him.. so ayun.. i replied. here's how the conversation went.

E: gcng k p?
A: yup y?
E: Usap na tayo.
A: Okay. wat now?
E: Uhm i really want you back pero d ko magawa. :c
A: bkt d mo magawa?:c
E: Kc nahihiya na ako sayo, sa parents mo, sa family mo at friends mo.
A: My parents doesnt know yet, dz wikend q plang ssbhn. Friends, alam nmn nla un ea, its just dat if u realy want to g abck, u just have to show dem na sure kna. u have to prove them dat ur worth it.
E: Pano na yung cousins mo?
A: Kuya den, zhie and ate clich plang nssbhn q. same thing cguro. u just have to prove them dat dz time its gona change. dat ur gonna make things work. and gusto lang nmn nlng laht magng happy aq ea.
E: yun na nga ea. wat f ds happen agen?
A: un nga, wat if it happens agen? dats out of my control na.:c super love kita, and super nhuhurt aq everytime bgla q nlng mllmn na ur feeling dat way out of nowhere. =c
E: Me too. :C ang hirp mag decde
A: Hindi b enough ung love mo 4 me to ignore dat confusion ur feeling?:c
E: its more than enough.:c
A: Are u sure?:C empol, d ko na tlga mkkya f dz happens agen:c ang sktskt kxe ea.:c
E: kya nga iniicp ko kung ano yung dpt kong gwn.
A: Pls do think about it first. then talk to me again wen ur absolutely sure:c ung sure na sure kna.
E: opo opo.
A: okay sleep k na. late na.

There. can i just say.. na super gumaan feeling ko nung nlmn ko na he wants me back.. its not dat umaasa ako.. its just that its good to know that he still cares.. na hindi pa pla sya totally move on. affected pa rin sya eventhough he looks okay and he still does care.. ayun.. im not hoping.. but i feel good.. and now he knows na wala skn ang problema.. anskya.. and that if he wants to make it work.. nassknya yun.. he needs to know kung ano ba tlga..

As for me, im moving forward no matter wat.. no more holding back. if he comes back then maybe its meant to be.. if not, maybe its not..:) bsta i have to move forward.. para ndi ako amsktan.. i love him i still do.. and i know he still loves me too.. pero is it enough for us to still try and risk our fears to make it work. for me i can.. and its up to him to decide..

-A