Need.

Today is March 21, i'm sick and i should be resting, but i just can't take my mind off our fight. Lately I've been really feeling detached. Yesterday, my nerves got into me and i was really pissed off at him. He wasn't texting, i knew he had his exams but then how about after that. And then it came to me that maybe he has no credits anymore.. but then, whats an effort na makitxt xa para malaman ko.. I was really feeling ill and bad yesterday and my emotions were getting into me. around 10:45 he txted and he said na "Baby pagaling ka ngaun lang ako nagkaload. sorry tlga." okay, i was kinda relieved that he tried to txt me.. but it came to me, was it enough?.. i dont know.. maybe im too shallow but im looking for the sad faces in his txt or something. so then i replied and i was really cold.

I went online in facebook and he was online too. and he wasnt pm-ing me.. so okay so be it.. i logged out.. he texted and he was a bit mad.. like nagpm daw xa tapos sby nilogoutan ko daw xa.. but the truth is, i didn't see his pm.. my net was so lag dat his message didn't pop out.. i said i wasnt badtrip and d ko lang nakita ung message nya.. and then he said.. kung hindi daw ako badtrip bat daw ako ganun magtxt.. bhala daw ako kung galit ako or nagtatampo. so i started.. im not mad.. nagtatampo maybe.. and i told him dat i was feeling dat he cared less. and then he said dat wat happened to 1 txt lang okay na.. okay i get it, okay lang naman ung 1 txt lang ea.. pero hello, sana man lang he shows na he still cares about my life. oo nga magttxt sya but then he pushes me around. okay normal na un sknya pero should i just accept it even though im hurting. i dont know.. im not a demanding person.. but i have my needs.. i need to feel that im loved and dat he needs me.. and dat he wants me to be a part of his life and that he wants me to be a part of his.. im feeling detached. i dont know where should i go.. should i stay?.. should i go?.. i love him so much.. but its so hard that im always adjusting my feelings for him.. i love him soo soo much.. but that's not enough to make me happy..:( i need him to make me feel he needs me.. coz lately i dont feel that.. parang okay ittxt nya lang ako just because he needs to.. not because he wants to..:(

im lost. i dont know wat to do. i want it to work out. but i cant always cross my half of the bridge and his just to be with him.. wat happend to meeting half way?.. wat happened to compromise..?:( i need him to make me feel that we still have it.. that he still wants me..:( needs me..:(

-A

lost feeling..

"And I-I-I'm in Love.. And I-I-I'm terrified for the first time and the last time in my only life..♥"

Why is it that when we fall in love it comes to a point where we get scared?.. where we get terrified..? and come to think of it.. we shouldn't be.. But that's the thing about being in a relationship and falling in love.. when you love someone, you just don't love the good stuff.. but you must learn how to love the whole package that comes with it.. and it's all about staying through the good and bad times.. Easy to say but hard to do..

The hardest part of being in love is when you start feeling unappreciated, when you start to feel that you're being ignored, the feeling that you're not needed any more.. the feeling when it seems like he doesn't care anymore. I've been there so many times.. and it's really hard to have all that faith in him when he makes you feel this way..

Today is March 14 already.. somewhere along the road i lost track of this entry.. and up until now.. i see myself still on the same road.. This morning i posted a quote on my tumblr from my favorite series.. oth..

“We go days without having a meaningful conversation. And, I used to miss you so much when that happened, but it never seemed like you missed me, and I guess because of it I stopped missing you.”

— One Tree Hill

It's what i'm feeling right now..:( sad to say but it is..:( i dont know why.:( it feels like i got tired of being strong.. i got tired of always understanding.. i know he is making an effort.. but somehow i'm feeling its not enough..:( sometimes i miss him so much and i do want to talk to him.. but everytime i do.. he pushes me around. bullies me.. its alright with me naman ea.. pero sana not always.:( i really hate it when he pushes me around.. i know he's just fooling around but sometimes its just really too much.. sometimes just knowing the fact that he'll just push me around makes me stop and think twice on talking to him.. because its like he doesnt care.. err.. im lost.. and i dont know where i stand.. i know i love him.. but i i've been feeling this way for about a couple of weeks now.. after a few weeks of not seeing each other, he finally finds the time to see me for an hour or so.. and i know its enough for me.. but when he leaves.. i always feel that there's something missing.. may kulang.. there's no long lasting feeling anymore..:( i missed that.. the way i used to feel so happy everytime we part ways.. how magical it made me feel to have him loving me.. but now i seem to have lost that feeling..:(

-A

At Random.

HAPPY!! VERY!!..:)

Who ever knew that we can be this happy again.? finding comfort in him.. finding my happy place in his arms was everything that made everything so well. I missed the feeling of being with him.. being able to be loved by him.. and most specially being happy with him.. like nothing else matters but us. and hoping that it wont end. but sometimes i find myself wandering how long this will last? how long we will be this magical? how long can we keep it up?..

Last night i started reading(thanks to apple niedo!:)) Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.. It has been a long time that i have been looking for this book, and last wednesday waffle gave me an ebook copy of it. BUT I STILL REALLY REALLY WANT A HARD COPY OF THIS..:D Anyways, Introduction plang NAIYAK na ko..:) haha!! i dont know why,, but the intro was something that's really true.. in a middle of fight.. a hug.. a kiss.. a really really tight hug would make everything go away..

quoted from the book: She said, "John Gray, you're a fair -weather friend! As long as I'm sweet, loving Bonnie you are here for me, but as soon as I'm not, you walk right out that door."..

I find this line very true. why is it that when we are loving or must i say both of us our loving and sweet.. We tend to stay.. but once we blow our fuse, we fight, we contradict, we ALL try to walk away. and just say that we're not compatible. its simple as that.. and another line from the book that answers this one is..

"Love is magical, and it can last, if we remember our differences."

again, very true!:) LOVE is truly magical.. It sweeps us all from our feet and sometimes out of no reason at all we smile, because amidst everything we go thru everyday, its knowing that someone that we love is loving us back. And nothing can get better than that..:) That's the difference when you're single and in a relationship. Being single: you wake up finding the courage to face everyday by yourself, but being in a relationship: you wake up smiling, cause you know no matter what happens thru your day there's someone out there loving you and who'll be with you in everything you do..:)

Jan 8, it's our supposedly 20th monthsary.. I guess, its still considered that we are in our 20th.. cause i know we didn't stop loving each other.. maybe we just stopped showing it for a while because of all the pain and distance that we felt.. but what matters most is behind all that we really didn't stop loving.

And then again, i know one day, it will come a time that all these cheeziness and sweetness would not really fade away, but will be lessen. I know it will come, and honestly, im scared of that day. I want everything to stay like this forever. but it just can't..:( but one thing i know, everything might be lesser from what it was before, but his love for me wouldn't change. i hope so.:) oh well, i trust him.:) i love him so much, that i'm afraid to lose him again. and also i am so afraid to show him and always tell him that i love him..:( it's because i'm afraid he'd take it for granted..:( i know i shouldn't be thinking about this..:( but i can't help myself.. i love him i do.. very much.. and i hope he sees that.. i hope he knows the meaning of how much i love him..:(

I'm scared, and i know nothing can take this away, i just have to be strong and have faith in him. have faith in us. and just hope that everything that happened and will happen is for a reason..:) For now, come what may.. I'm happy, day by day something changes but who could stop change? we can only go with its flow and accept it..:)

-A