PICTURE

err.. i've been trying to upload this to my facebook account but fb wont allow it!! i would like to make this as my new profile pik! boo them!!:( anyweiz, one of our happiest days that we were able to took pictures!:) i looooove!:)

-A

Texting.

Me and babe texting:

Babe: Babe ang cute kooo.:)

Me: Slight lang babe.:)

Babe: Dapat all over.:)

Me: haha.. okay fine.:)

Babe: Say iiiit!:)

Me: You're cute and i love you.:)

Babe: Yey i'm cute and i love me too..:)

Me: Stop loving yourself too much and love me some mooore..:(

Babe: hahaha! of course babe mi loves you so much.:)

Me: tologooo? love mo kooo?..:)

Babe: Tuhmuh i labs you babe.....

Texting, overrated, overused but when you're texting with me. Everything just seems to be a little bit better, especially when you're this sweet. This things/simple talks gives me hope that our love can make it through. i hope you don't get tired of being sweet cause it really makes a lot of difference to me. Even though we know that you love us, nothing beats hearing them from you once in a while. All girls really need to be assured of a guys love every now and then.

-A

Find Me. Please.

We say the only thing constant in this world is change. And truly, everything changes, everyone changes. The reason why i'm blogging is because i'm sad. I'm feeling sad again. Lately i'm feeling detached from our relationship. I think it's because i'm feeling that he's giving less than i wanted to get from him. These past few days iv'e been wanting him to text me more often, because lately he's been slacking of from it. It hurts to know that he's starting to be this way. It makes me feel unimportant to him. I know maybe he's busy or sometimes i think that maybe "tinatamad lang sya magtext" pero for me it's not an excuse. I'm busy too but i don't make it happen that i forget to text him or watsoever.

Being a part of somebody else's life especially in his life is one of the most important thing to me. Just like before i want to be in his life even though it's just the same thing everday. Yesternight i got to tell him that i'm really starting to get fed up with his attitude of not texting me as much as he used to. i even told him that he makes me think that maybe i'm becoming more needy of him or that im giving him his freedom too much that he's taking it for granted. He told me and assured me that this is not the case.

I love him. i do. but why am i feeling this way. There's something missing. i guess i really miss spending time with him, again. somethings in between us and i dont know what it is. i want to figure out what it is, but i'm lost and is overwhelemed by my sadness. I dont want to stay like this for a long time because i know eventually this will hurt me. maybe i miss his sweetness also, lately he's been really teasing me and i think that has an effect on me too.

I'm getting lost. Starting to fall apart and go astray. I hope he finds me soon. Coz i don't wanna go on alone.

-A

Land of The Loving

Land of the Loving

Deep in your eyes is a promise 

Love can be ours if we want it 

Starting tonight ev’ry dream I ever knew 

Here in your arms I’m believing 

Fin’lly my life has a meaning of its own 

Here in the land of loving I am home  

I was alone in the city 

Searchin’ for someone to find me 

cold empty nights and a million strangers’ eyes 

Here in your arms I’m beginning 

To leave behind all the loneliness I knew 

Here in the land of loving there is you  

[Chorus] 

In this simple room magic is made 

Though the world seems unchanged 

Leave the lights on I’m a little afraid 

This might be just one sweet dream  

Deep in the night love is growing 

Though I had no way of knowing 

That when I found you I found ev’rything I need 

Here in your love I’ll be staying 

Fin’lly my life won’t be living all alone 

Here in the land of the loving I am home  

[repeat Chorus]  

Deep in the night love is growing 

Though I had no way of knowing 

That when I found you I found ev’rything I need 

Here in your love I’ll be staying 

Fin’lly my life won’t be living all alone 

Here in the land of the loving I am home  

I am home

on our 30th!:)

On our 30th! ♥11.o8.1o

He came to school and surprised me. At first i thought he forgot that it was our monthsary but it came to me that it was weird that he wasn’t texting me. So somehow i expected that he’ll come for me but i didnt put my hopes up cause i dont want to get dissapointed. He talked to a friend of mine to make me stay in school to wait for him. It was also weird because she didn’t really clear things out why im staying with her in school. After sometime of waiting, he called and said that he was waiting for me in Southgate! And there he is! Everything that bothered me, missing him and not being able to spend much time with him, vanished. My eyes sparkled when i saw him, my smile was up to my ears and my heart was jumping with joy! We went to Rob,Manila ate Lunch at Tempura, played childish games at Timezone, Tried to go shopping, watched MEGAMIND(funny movie!), then took a cab back home, then we ate dinner “sinigang na bangus” yuumm! and made our kulitans! It was such a perfect day that i couldnt ask for more! Up until today i couldn’t get over it!:) Thanks babe! i love you and Happy 30th!:)

-A

Criminal Minds Season 6 Episode 4

Garcia: How often do i tell you that i love you?
Morgan: Everyday, its implied!:)

*kiliiiiig! Penelope and Derek forever! Criminal Minds So6Eo4..♥ ooh how i love those two!:)

Perfect

Perfect by Jason Derulo

I nearly lost my mind tryna figure out a way

To make you understand, I can't go on another day

Or maybe was wrong, been confused and let astray

Please give me one chance

Cause I can't take what's happening...

Have you ever lost someone

Tried to take them back but the damage is done

Thought of losing you makes me feel so sad

How am I gonna sleep when it feels this bad

I know enough is enough

Its going to be tough to get through this

Ill never be perfect, Ill never be cool

Ill always be nothing, unless Im with you

Cause you make me perfect, tell me what can I do

The pieces are missing, when Im not with you

You make me... ohh...

I know that I deserve it

But have you really lost all faith

You know inside that we're worth it

Theres so more for us to say

Baby I was lost, or maybe I was just afraid

Would you please forgive me?

And hold me in your arms again

Have you ever lost someone?

Tried to take them back but the damage is done

Thought of losing you makes me feel so sad

How am I gonna sleep when it feels this bad

I know enough is enough

Its going to be tough to get through this

Ill never be perfect, Ill never be cool

Ill always be nothing, unless Im with you

Cause you make me perfect, tell me what can I do

The pieces are missing, when Im not with you

You make me... ohh...

Dont say nothing's perfect cause it isn't true

Everything I see so clear with you

Everything I dream appears with you

Everything I need is here with you

Everything could be so... perfect...

oh ...

Ill never be perfect, Ill never be cool

Ill always be nothing, unless Im with you

Cause you make me perfect, tell me what can I do

The pieces are missing, when Im not with you

You make me... ohh...

Perfect...

You make me perfect...

You make me so perfect...

My very own piece of magic.

We say that past is past, that whatever happens in the past should be left there but somehow i have come to realize that the past is a big part of us. For some, they bury the bad memories and stay with the good ones but isn't it the bad ones are the ones that makes us who we are in the present.

One night, me and boyfriend came to talk about the past the day he finally, i mean literally finally finally decided that he wants me back in my life. Somehow, i found myself wanting to talk about it, about the past maybe because whatever happened back then made us who we are and brought us where we are right now.. falling more in love with each other.

We try our best to be the perfect person for our loved ones, that we sometimes forget that who we are would be enough to the person who loves us. Comparing our life today from what we have been, i can say that we have been better. Understanding more, more patience, more trust, loving more and having more faith in US.

Sometimes making a relationship work is all about not letting go and never giving up. Seeing the worst of the both of you but still holding on. Fighting hard for what you believe is right but in the end raising up the flag just for the sake that you guys would stop fighting. It's not about who is right and who is wrong but its about the person you love is much more important the problem.

I miss blogging and for now this is all i've got to say. I, WE have been so much better for this past few months. I have been so much happier that we are here at this moment of our life were everyday has been a happy loving day.

Just like every moment we have is perfect.

He's my very own piece of magic everyday..:)

1o. 2o. 2o1o

His mom's birthday dinner at Seaside, Cavite.

-A

Growing old is a choice.

The last time i attempted to blog was when we made it through our fights. It was one of the worst weeks of our relationship i think. We fought almost about every little thing. It was really hard for me hoping that everytime we said its okay that it will be okay, but i was most of the time wrong. For we got into fight and into another. It was draining both of us. The accusations, misunderstandings, hotheadedness, the shouting(even thought its just through texts or chatting) and the wanting everything to be okay. I almost cried myself to sleep and woke up only finding myself thinking about our fight and end up finding a tear falling from my eyes. It was hard.

Then we finally decided to make things better. We both agreed to see pass through it. That day we decided to be okay, i initiated to go out with him. But then he had to pick up his brother from the dorm, so i said i'd accompany him. On my way to seeing him, i was scared that there would be a gap between us. After all the fights we've been the past few days, it wont be easy to act as if im very happy or that everything is okay. Because underneath the want that i wanted to be with him is the feeling of doubt. I doubted our love, if we can make it through till the end. And yes, up until now, i still ask myself that sometimes.

Will it still be us in the future?.. Will we make it through? Will our love be strong enough? Will he hold on to me? Will he let go? Will i still be strong enough to hold on?..

On the way to picking up his brother, the ride was kinda bit awkward. I was silent because i was thinking and i just cant pretend that im super okay because even though we are i was hurt somehow. So we tried talking to work things out. I just kept on smiling but behind all those smile i know he felt that i was sad.

And out of nowhere he took my hand and he kissed it

. And right there and then my worries melted away. As if he reassured me that everything will be okay, and that he was there loving me whatever happens.

Every once in a while i find myself thinking about forever. About tomorrows and tomorrows and tomorrows basically what and who will i be with in the future. I question our relationship, our love. Will it withstand the test of time? or Will our story of a love just be another chapter of our lives?

Then it comes to me the quote that i got from the interview of Charlene and Aga Muhlach.

"Growing old is a choice."

and i think that is true. We say that the choices we make molds us. And the choice of wanting to and staying with the person you love through thick or thin will always depend on you. Loving someone takes a great leap of faith, trust, understanding, sacrifice, pain, happiness, and a lot more of things. And i guess at the end of this blog all i really wanted to say is that somehow im hoping that we can make it through. We're both not perfect, we have our flaws but after all we've been through i guess there's nobody else in the world i would choose but to be with him. Because with every time that we spend with each other i find home with him. I find that feeling of home. With him.

-A

:(

im hurting so much i dont know what to say..:(

We stay in love.

Today is August 1 and exactly a year ago me and my boyfriend once decided to go our separate ways. That was a year ago, and now we've never been happier. I can say that as of right now, we're more mature in many ways, more contented and just happier than before. No expectations from each other, no blaming of anything just more understanding and so much love.

For every girl that has gotten her heart broken by a man he loves, she will never totally let go of that feeling of uncertainty that one day it can and will happen again. But when that man decides to love you back more than you'll ever think of, reassure you almost everyday that he loves you, and just making you happy everyday that feeling of uncertainty just flies out the window.

I admit it. For today, it came to me that maybe he's not happy again or his just settling for us. For me. But assuming can lead you to nowhere. Today we went out on a date, and then we just ate out and thats it. I felt that the time wasn't really that enough cause i really missed him. After he dropped me off, he went home and he didn't text me for a while. Yes from there i got to think of our day, and of what he could have been thinking or feeling, remembering what had happened a year ago.

But then he texted me that he had just gotten credits for his phone and that his registering it for unli. I didn't reply coz' somehow i hated it when he does that, when he doesn't take time to let me know man lang that he wouldn't be texting because he has no load. Then he called, telling me that he couldn't register and that he would go online. It was just a simple call but that "i love you" in the end was more than enough to remind me that he really does love me.

For all the things that was bothering me today i asked him if he was happy.:

Me:(stat) for a second the sky was mine.

Him: :*

Him: ill make it last for a lifetime..:)

Me: awww.. i love you..:*

Him: i love you moreeeer..:)

Him: morer is a word ! :*

Me: haha! it is?..:) okaay..:*

Me: Is me boyfriend is happy?..:)

Him: yeeep :)

Him: and youuuuu ? :)

Me: so muuuuch!!! :)

Sometimes we're afraid to ask the questions in our hearts, in our minds but sometimes asking is the best way to let go of that thought. Like asking is closure. Knowing that he's happy was all i needed to know to make all my fears go away.

Being loved truly is something close to seeing magic especially when that person isn't afraid to show you and let you know that you are loved, that you are taken care of, that he cares about you and what you feel. Being with someone like that makes you a lucky person. Therefore i am lucky because im loved by him.:)

Im not saying that we are perfect, because we're not. Im saying that i love him. He loves me. He makes me happy. He's happy. We're happy. And we both choose to stay together.

We stay in love.:)

-A

why does it have to be this way?.

It's been a rough night.:( I'm hurt on how things worked out between him and my friends.:( why does it have to be this way?.. i love him i do.. but i love my friends too.. Do i really have to choose?..

I will be resting for now.. im really tired, physically and emotionally.. i just hope everything gets better.

-A

Love Overload

Too much cheesyness... Too much Love.. Too much of kesooo.. but i like it soo much!:) It's been obvious lately that my boyfriend has been over cheezy, don't get me wrong but i like this version of him. I just realy hope it wont just fade away that quickly. Starting today, his going to be over busy because his going to start his revisions for thesis. That's fine with me, of course I understand that, he promised me that after that we'll be spending time together. He also said that his mom has been telling him to start working as soon as his finish with his thesis, and he told me that we'll be spending some time muna before he starts working. And he even promised me that he'll visit me when he has time.

I like this kind of moments when he tells me rather shows me that no matter how busy he will be, he'll think of me. And this shows that he really cares. Its the assurance of love. That things may change, we both might get busy but it's telling each other that we really want to be with each other besides that. I watched Hachiko last friday, and there was a scene when the father was asking the guy if he loves her daughter, and of course he said yes and the father told the son that, "Remember that, you love her, that's what you're going to think of during bad times." Truly, sometimes its all about choosing to say for the one you love.

I had made the picture on date week my profile pic for my facebook and yahoo but then my boyfriend got jealous and told me he wants one too. So i made him one.:) It's a good feeling when you're constantly reminded that you're loved and being miss. And i'm actually feeling that right now. All thanks to him, He makes me happy like no other person can..:)

And if it's love overload, i'd still want it that way every once in a while..:)

-A

Date week..:)

This was supposed to be posted last Saturday night but then i got lazy.. so here goes..:)

My boyfriend and I have been planning to go on a movie marathon date after his thesis defense. His thesis defense was scheduled last Wednesday, but then, it got cancelled. So somehow i ggot sad because our movie marathon date would be moved again. Fyi, i have been like a bum lately, my classes are only on Mondays and Wednesdays, so i got so much time on my hands. Friday, June 18, i was chatting with him on yahoo. I realized that i have nothing to do for the weekends, so ill just be stuck up watching dvds, surfing the net, reading the book or sleeping it off. Knowing that he's still doing thesis and that maybe he was busy, i pulled my mind away from our planned movie dates. But that night, i got the guts for the first time as i remember, to ask him out.

"Me: may ggwn ka tomorow?.. :) watch tyo movieeee!!! hahaha :D

Him: sge sge :)

Him: karate kid :) ?

Me: YES! haha.. un din nasa isip koo..:)"

So there!! he said yes..:) haha.. So there, i dont know how, but he really got excited with our date.. He even posted on my wall at facebook. And even after we talked and made our kulitans in ym and got that little argument of who logouts first on yahoo, he texted me his goodnight and iloveyous..:) and i slept that night with a smile on my face.:)

The next day our date day, he texted me goodmorning and reminded me on what time i should leave the house. We met up at around 11:30am at ATC. When we got there, the lines to the ticket booth where really long because of toy story 3. At 11:30am, the 12:45 time slot for toy story 3 was already sold out!! I was sooo glad we we're gonna watch Karate Kid! haha.. We bought our favorite popcorn: WHITE CHEDDAR flavor and watched the movie. The movie was great, funny and sooo cute..:) After the movie, we thought of watching A-team but the lines were still loong so we decided to go home. The car ride was fun even though its a just a short trip from ATC to my house. We kept on laughing and made kulitan. We ordered Mcdo, one of our other date food, and watched the Disney movie marathon at Disney channel namely: Toy story 2, Wall-e, and Ratatouille. Then we slept into each others arms.

Today, he passed his thesis defense and i was like hell yeah!!:) haha.. But then, he still has to finish his revisions by next week. That's fine with me! as long as i know that his almost done, i can have him all to myself.:)

These past few weeks reminded me of the week of our first date. I remembered the time when i told him that my cheeks were hurting because of him. It was because i couldn't help smiling. I was soo happy that he came into my life. And this week, it reminded me of that moment when i find myself smiling of the thought that i have someone like him who loves me. It's a feeling i would like to remember over, and over again. Sometimes i call our love a Bipolar love because there are times that he makes me feel like his caring less, and even the feeling of he doesn't care anymore, but then its times like this when he reminds me of how much he loves me. When he makes up for the unwanted feelings i felt, he makes up for it big time. And i just love the way how he does that. He erases every memory of my doubts and fears and replaces it with memories i would like to keep forever. Our relationship might not be perfect, its like a roller coaster ride in 4D, but its everything i hoped it would be.:) haha..

-A

Kinikilig ako! bakit ba?!

If i have two hearts, i will use the first one to love you,

and the other one to love you more.♥

it's been a while since iv'e posted a happy blog. So let this be one of them.:)

Today, i got a surprise visit from him. Actually, i kinda expected it even yesterday, for he kept asking me where was i, and that what time will i be home. Nonetheless, expecting and him actually coming over is different.

I was printing my chem papers, when the doorbell sounded. No one was answering, so i called ate and told her that "Ate, may taooooo.." After so, the doorbell rang again, I went to check from the terrace who it was. Actually, when the doorbell rang i really had that gut feeling that it was him, but then i kept on thinking that who'd be coming over here at this time. When i looked out from the terrace, i saw his car, and then saw him. I was suppose to call him, but then i ran back inside and acted as if i saw nothing! haha! so when he went up, i smiled and said.. "what are you doing here?..:D" yes! ganyan ka laki ung smile ko..:D haha.. He said, wala lang daw, he came from cavite and delivered some products and just thought of dropping by.

I love surprises. I really do. And this one, this is one of the things that make me love him more. Even though i expected that he was coming over, seeing him actually out there outside my house was something i never expected.:) gulo? haha!! to make it short. I LOVED THE FACT THAT HE CAME. Unplanned. Unexpected. Unforgettable. alamo ung super happy?.. ako un.:) i dont know why, but iv'e never felt this happy for a while now. It's that feeling that even after he left, i got this happy feeling that i can't take off of me. Basta yun na un! Ohh, i remember this feeling, it's like the feeling i felt way back before, when he used to surprise me when he came. I never thought i'd still feel this way again. In short, kinikilig ako! haha.. bakit ba?! haha.. Goodnight everybody!:) ay Goodmorning!:)

Happy to be in love..:)

-A

Attention

"Very little is needed to make a happy life;

it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking"

~ Marcus Aurelius

His home. After almost three weeks of being apart, we've finally seen each other again. He arrived yesterday at exactly 5:38am(as he said). After school, i went home early so that we could be able to spend some time together. And he didn't fail me with this, after he woke up from resting, he came over to my house.

We watched tv, made our kulitans, cuddling, eating our favorite date food = pizza and we fell asleep because he wasn't really feeling well. I guess it was from his trip. I missed him so much that just having him beside me was more than enough. I had fun being him. I always do! I just love spending my time, wasting time with him.

That was yesterday, and today i already miss him. It's just not the same anymore. I don't know why but when we're apart, i have a tendency to go all sad. I feel alone, feel sad, feel detached, and just i feel like i'm drifting away. There are times that he's overly sweet, caring and expressive of his love, but it never fails, that there will come a time that he makes me feel that he's starting to care less and less. Like today, I texted him good morning, he didn't reply. I just thought that maybe maybe his busy with thesis. But then i texted him again, and i told him that he wasn't texting, He replied, he said that he had no load earlier today that's why he wasn't able to reply. So i said okay, just text me when you have load na. And his reply was, he has already load na daw, nagpaload daw kasi siya. Parang ako, so kung hindi pa kita tnxt ndi ko malalaman na may load na siya. And then, i found out that he was at his friends house, making tambay. So okay, i told him to text me when his home already.

Later on, I saw him online on YM, i pm-ed him, and i asked him where he is na. And he told me his home already, uhmm.. what happened to "text me when your home na.|" soo okaaaay!! i pm-ed him once again, that i'll go out for a while, and he said okay. When i got back, he's not online anymore, and he didn't even leave me with a single message telling me what now.

Its hard, falling between the lines of understanding and demanding. It's hard, because i'm not the type of person who demands, even though i want things the other way around. And i'm also not the type of person who's pushy, that ill push myself to him. It's hard BECAUSE I WANT HIS ATTENTION so much!! I WANT IT TOO BAD..:( Even just a little of it, with love and care.

It's just a phase, it's just a phase, that's what i put in my mind. Hoping that everything will be alright. I know it will. I hope it will.:(

-A

This is how much i love you, with arms wide open

Almost Everything

Michael Grubbs 2010

Just lay down with me before you go

It's the wrong thing I know

But I don't know when I will see you again

And it gets so lonely

You'd be be foolish if you stayed here now

Maybe if you leave we can work it out

I know the city only breaks you down

And it gets you lonely

Yeah, it's gonna get lonely

You miss the feeling when you step outside

And then your mind comes all untied

And then you open up your eyes

And you don't feel lonely

And it feels bad now but it's gonna get better

Someday

For the past few days, i've been feeling sad, feeling lost and feeling detached. The incident that happened between us before he left for his vacation kept on playing on my head. i don't know why it does, but maybe its because i really really really know for a fact that he shouldn't have treated me like that. But then again, i know there was a reason why, he was down and thinking so much about something. Of course i understand, but i guess the way he treated me was really wrong. because of that, i really got into thinking about things, about us. If i could still go on with it. I started questioning my love for him. Asking myself, how much i love him? how much i'll love him? and how much i will be willing to go through for him? for us. there where a lot of questions running through my head. i was confused.

So why rock a boat and make waves
And everything's coming okay
why am I confused if you love me

Thought this would be smooth sailing ~Undertow

It was something i never thought would happen to me. I went to mass with my family this evening, and while i was listening to the homily, I realized that giving up won't solve anything. and as far as i know, i'm not that kind of person, i would never ever give up on the person i love. especially when i know that there's still something there. During the homily, the priest lectured about the meaning and importance of the Eucharist. That the Crucifix was there to remind us what God is saying to us

"THIS IS HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU, WITH ARMS WIDE OPEN."

And i started to realize from that simple phrase what love should be.

Love is something we give expecting nothing in return and i wanna love like Him, GOD. The purest love a person can give. Unconditional love. Expecting nothing in return. Loving without any doubt. And love by just believing in the person you choose to love. It won't be easy, but when its about the person you love, it will always be worth the try. It's all about taking that leap of FAITH.

I love him, i still do. I always have, and will always do.:) Whatever happens, happens. I have faith in him and HIM. :)

-A

:(

i dont know why but i feel sad.:(

-A

It's all about choosing to stay

Stay with me..

Promise me you'll never gonna leave..

Stay with me..

Lets try to be the best that we can be..

Take our time..

Love. A very powerful word that we all know, we have, we had, we feel. Last March 26, just right before he left for Bora we had a fight. It was just a simple fight, but with everything thats going through i started thinking that i had enough of all of it, of all the crappy fights that we've been going through for the past few weeks.

March 27, we were still not talking. It was the day of the party I organized. Somehow I was hoping that maybe he'd wish me luck on this one, but still nothing. In my head, i was giving him a deadline. if he hasn't txt me up until midnight. It's going to be over. And he didnt text me. Right there and then i was so sure that i would break up with him. At our party, we had Toki he was a tarot card reader. Around after midnight i asked him to read my cards on love. He said,

"masama and masyadong magpakamartyr..

this time you guys are taking some time to think about things..

alam mo sa sarili mo matagal na.. na hindi na magwowork out.. pero pinipilit mo parin..

then i asked, my future pa ba kme?.. No.."

And there it goes.. i saw my life with him over.. that time, i was so decided that i was going to break up with him.

March 28, I wasn't able to sleep well. when i woke up i decided to break up him with right there and then. so i texted him that we needed to talk. i told him i was tired and that im tired of the way he treats me when we fight. and he asked for this one last chance. but then i said that maybe this is for the better. my hearts tired of giving him all the chances he needs to fix us. in the end,, i decided give him this last chance. but for me, everything was all up to him.

And we worked it out. i couldn't be much more happier. He has changed i think. i know he has. up until now, we are working things out, and yes we are better. He is better. Sometimes we still have some fights and all. Fights, worries are inevitable in a relationship. One thing i learned from all of this.

No matter how many fights, how many times you try/want to let go, how many times you get tired.. its all about wanting to stay and work things out with the one you choose to love.

and yes I'm doing that. We're doing that. We're choosing to stay for US. To make it work out. and yes, I'm loving it. It's not perfect but it's all i need..

-A

old pictures

.... i'm finding comfort in our old pictures..:(

... we used to be this happy..:(

-A

What's happening to us?..

With every fight.. with every misunderstanding..

.... you're starting to lose me..:(

i know in a relationship, having a fight is normal.. but this time.. why does it feel that its not..? we're starting to fight about the simplest things in our relationship. i'm feeling that his patience with me is getting shorter as the days go by. He gets irritated more often about things i do. and the moment he confronts me about. He's mad already, as in super mad. What happened to our everyday love happy endings..? i don't feel that way anymore. i'm losing it again.. after our fight, i rushed into my cr and cried.. thinking if it's still really worth it.. is it?.. i'm feeling detached of what we had and what we have right now.. i know i love him i do.. but my feelings are starting to get crushed day by day when we fight..:( why is that?.. sometimes i think that maybe he's starting to care less about what i feel, but i also know that he can't be that heartless.. He has a heart,, a good one.. i saw it before and i fell in love with it.. sometimes it comes to me that maybe he's just really somewhat immature that he can't see the sense behind my part.. i'm really lost..

My friend told me.. "kung di mo na tlga kaya.. wag mo na ipilit.. Magiging okay kyo..tapos after some time.. ganun nnmn.. ndi ka pa ba napapagd?."

i answered.. "i dont know..:( pagod na.. pero okay nanmn kme ulet ea.. ill fight for it.. habang kaya ko pa.. i still think its worth it pa naman ea.. ill fight for it habang alam kong its still worth it.."

Is it still worth it?.. to be just okay with everything?.. maybe this is just a test.. superfriend.. make me strong..:(

errrr.. WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING TO US?..:(

-A

Scared

Sometimes i find myself strong. I see myself strong enough to let go.. Strong enough to be alone.. Far better off single.. but then it came to me.. maybe im not..:( and now im finding myself scared..:( i think the reason why i find the courage to be strong enough to let go is that.. i dont want to be left anymore..:( its like

"uunahan ko na xa, bago niya ako iwan.."..

maybe its wrong, but when i think of the moment he'll tell me that once again, HE's LOST AGAIN, CONFUSED.. it will really break my heart into pieces..:( because the moment i know he decides to give up on us it will hurt my heart like hell.. so im giving up on us first before he does..:(

As of right now, im waiting for him to tell me he wants to stay with me.. im not asking him to totally change himself.. i myself is not perfect.. but i try my best to walk my side of the bridge for him..

and maybe that's the only thing i need to know right now.. that he'll try to for me..:(

and now, im scared that he'll give up just because he's tired of trying..:( i dont know how i can take that.:( knowing he gave up because he got tired of trying will hurt the hell out of me.. and its scaring the hell out of me right now..:(

-A

Reality

“Anyone can easily walk away from somebody else. Nobody is forced to stay; we all have choices. The real test is if someone would rather stay with you, even though walking away could be so much easier.”

~ i dont know why.. but i still want to stay..:(

-A

Need.

Today is March 21, i'm sick and i should be resting, but i just can't take my mind off our fight. Lately I've been really feeling detached. Yesterday, my nerves got into me and i was really pissed off at him. He wasn't texting, i knew he had his exams but then how about after that. And then it came to me that maybe he has no credits anymore.. but then, whats an effort na makitxt xa para malaman ko.. I was really feeling ill and bad yesterday and my emotions were getting into me. around 10:45 he txted and he said na "Baby pagaling ka ngaun lang ako nagkaload. sorry tlga." okay, i was kinda relieved that he tried to txt me.. but it came to me, was it enough?.. i dont know.. maybe im too shallow but im looking for the sad faces in his txt or something. so then i replied and i was really cold.

I went online in facebook and he was online too. and he wasnt pm-ing me.. so okay so be it.. i logged out.. he texted and he was a bit mad.. like nagpm daw xa tapos sby nilogoutan ko daw xa.. but the truth is, i didn't see his pm.. my net was so lag dat his message didn't pop out.. i said i wasnt badtrip and d ko lang nakita ung message nya.. and then he said.. kung hindi daw ako badtrip bat daw ako ganun magtxt.. bhala daw ako kung galit ako or nagtatampo. so i started.. im not mad.. nagtatampo maybe.. and i told him dat i was feeling dat he cared less. and then he said dat wat happened to 1 txt lang okay na.. okay i get it, okay lang naman ung 1 txt lang ea.. pero hello, sana man lang he shows na he still cares about my life. oo nga magttxt sya but then he pushes me around. okay normal na un sknya pero should i just accept it even though im hurting. i dont know.. im not a demanding person.. but i have my needs.. i need to feel that im loved and dat he needs me.. and dat he wants me to be a part of his life and that he wants me to be a part of his.. im feeling detached. i dont know where should i go.. should i stay?.. should i go?.. i love him so much.. but its so hard that im always adjusting my feelings for him.. i love him soo soo much.. but that's not enough to make me happy..:( i need him to make me feel he needs me.. coz lately i dont feel that.. parang okay ittxt nya lang ako just because he needs to.. not because he wants to..:(

im lost. i dont know wat to do. i want it to work out. but i cant always cross my half of the bridge and his just to be with him.. wat happend to meeting half way?.. wat happened to compromise..?:( i need him to make me feel that we still have it.. that he still wants me..:( needs me..:(

-A

lost feeling..

"And I-I-I'm in Love.. And I-I-I'm terrified for the first time and the last time in my only life..♥"

Why is it that when we fall in love it comes to a point where we get scared?.. where we get terrified..? and come to think of it.. we shouldn't be.. But that's the thing about being in a relationship and falling in love.. when you love someone, you just don't love the good stuff.. but you must learn how to love the whole package that comes with it.. and it's all about staying through the good and bad times.. Easy to say but hard to do..

The hardest part of being in love is when you start feeling unappreciated, when you start to feel that you're being ignored, the feeling that you're not needed any more.. the feeling when it seems like he doesn't care anymore. I've been there so many times.. and it's really hard to have all that faith in him when he makes you feel this way..

Today is March 14 already.. somewhere along the road i lost track of this entry.. and up until now.. i see myself still on the same road.. This morning i posted a quote on my tumblr from my favorite series.. oth..

“We go days without having a meaningful conversation. And, I used to miss you so much when that happened, but it never seemed like you missed me, and I guess because of it I stopped missing you.”

— One Tree Hill

It's what i'm feeling right now..:( sad to say but it is..:( i dont know why.:( it feels like i got tired of being strong.. i got tired of always understanding.. i know he is making an effort.. but somehow i'm feeling its not enough..:( sometimes i miss him so much and i do want to talk to him.. but everytime i do.. he pushes me around. bullies me.. its alright with me naman ea.. pero sana not always.:( i really hate it when he pushes me around.. i know he's just fooling around but sometimes its just really too much.. sometimes just knowing the fact that he'll just push me around makes me stop and think twice on talking to him.. because its like he doesnt care.. err.. im lost.. and i dont know where i stand.. i know i love him.. but i i've been feeling this way for about a couple of weeks now.. after a few weeks of not seeing each other, he finally finds the time to see me for an hour or so.. and i know its enough for me.. but when he leaves.. i always feel that there's something missing.. may kulang.. there's no long lasting feeling anymore..:( i missed that.. the way i used to feel so happy everytime we part ways.. how magical it made me feel to have him loving me.. but now i seem to have lost that feeling..:(

-A

At Random.

HAPPY!! VERY!!..:)

Who ever knew that we can be this happy again.? finding comfort in him.. finding my happy place in his arms was everything that made everything so well. I missed the feeling of being with him.. being able to be loved by him.. and most specially being happy with him.. like nothing else matters but us. and hoping that it wont end. but sometimes i find myself wandering how long this will last? how long we will be this magical? how long can we keep it up?..

Last night i started reading(thanks to apple niedo!:)) Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.. It has been a long time that i have been looking for this book, and last wednesday waffle gave me an ebook copy of it. BUT I STILL REALLY REALLY WANT A HARD COPY OF THIS..:D Anyways, Introduction plang NAIYAK na ko..:) haha!! i dont know why,, but the intro was something that's really true.. in a middle of fight.. a hug.. a kiss.. a really really tight hug would make everything go away..

quoted from the book: She said, "John Gray, you're a fair -weather friend! As long as I'm sweet, loving Bonnie you are here for me, but as soon as I'm not, you walk right out that door."..

I find this line very true. why is it that when we are loving or must i say both of us our loving and sweet.. We tend to stay.. but once we blow our fuse, we fight, we contradict, we ALL try to walk away. and just say that we're not compatible. its simple as that.. and another line from the book that answers this one is..

"Love is magical, and it can last, if we remember our differences."

again, very true!:) LOVE is truly magical.. It sweeps us all from our feet and sometimes out of no reason at all we smile, because amidst everything we go thru everyday, its knowing that someone that we love is loving us back. And nothing can get better than that..:) That's the difference when you're single and in a relationship. Being single: you wake up finding the courage to face everyday by yourself, but being in a relationship: you wake up smiling, cause you know no matter what happens thru your day there's someone out there loving you and who'll be with you in everything you do..:)

Jan 8, it's our supposedly 20th monthsary.. I guess, its still considered that we are in our 20th.. cause i know we didn't stop loving each other.. maybe we just stopped showing it for a while because of all the pain and distance that we felt.. but what matters most is behind all that we really didn't stop loving.

And then again, i know one day, it will come a time that all these cheeziness and sweetness would not really fade away, but will be lessen. I know it will come, and honestly, im scared of that day. I want everything to stay like this forever. but it just can't..:( but one thing i know, everything might be lesser from what it was before, but his love for me wouldn't change. i hope so.:) oh well, i trust him.:) i love him so much, that i'm afraid to lose him again. and also i am so afraid to show him and always tell him that i love him..:( it's because i'm afraid he'd take it for granted..:( i know i shouldn't be thinking about this..:( but i can't help myself.. i love him i do.. very much.. and i hope he sees that.. i hope he knows the meaning of how much i love him..:(

I'm scared, and i know nothing can take this away, i just have to be strong and have faith in him. have faith in us. and just hope that everything that happened and will happen is for a reason..:) For now, come what may.. I'm happy, day by day something changes but who could stop change? we can only go with its flow and accept it..:)

-A